The Bacon of Rio & Mele
by ImaginaryLondoner
Summary: AU crack where Rio is married to Mele, works at Starbucks, and is addicted to bacon. Rio wants to make the world's best coffee, but first he must resolve his marital problems with Mele, realize his feelings for Jan, and defeat his boss Master Shafu. References Gekiranger, but you don't necessarily need to watch the show to read this.
1. Chapter 1

**THE BACON OF RIO & MELE**

WARNING: contains sex, naughty language, poop jokes, mild drug use, violence, necrophilia, implied prostitution, general character bashing, and one giant perverted cat

Obviously I don't own these Gekiranger characters or any of the things from other fandoms that are mentioned.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

The sun rose, just as Rio's penis had risen when his wife Mele entered the bedroom the previous night, wearing her new floral print lingerie which she had stolen from Goodwill. It was the ugliest lingerie that Rio had ever seen, so he tore it off her and then proceeded to insert his penis into her vagina. Mele's recent attempts to spice up their sex life were failing miserably. In the beginning they had been so adventurous in the bedroom, but lately Rio only wanted to take her as a dog takes a bitch. On their wedding night Mele had so many orgasms, but now Rio only seemed interested in satisfying his own desires. Yet Mele did not mind being used, so long as she could be by her beloved Rio's side.

Rio woke up in an empty bed. He felt confused and strangely sad. Usually he was the first to rise and leave Mele to wake up alone. He got up, threw off his fur, brushed his teeth with vanilla mint toothpaste, put his fur back on, and went into the kitchen. Mele was there, apparently making breakfast. Rio sat down at the table without a word, and Mele set a plate of some strange meat before him. Rio sipped his black coffee, waiting for Mele to explain this nonsense.

"I made this especially for you, Rio-sama~" Mele sang, beaming at her dear husband. "After all those nights of tasting and devouring your meat, I thought I'd share my own with you."

Rio looked alarmed at the implication. His eyes widened comically as he looked down at Mele's crotch area and then to the thin, greasy strips on his plate.

"Mele, is this your...?"

Mele, completely oblivious to what Rio was thinking, went back over to the counter to grab her own dish before settling down across from him. She also had the same thin strips of meat on her plate and Rio thought he was going to be sick.

"The humans call it bacon," the woman explained as she reached for her chopsticks. Rio thought he was going to choke on his coffee. "It's made from pork, so it's nothing strange," she said at last. "I wanted to surprise you with something different."

She smiled at him then and Rio grunted, keeping his cool despite the small skip in his heart and twitch in his cock. He looked down at his own set of bacon and contemplated eating the new food. He watched Mele eat hers, licking the strip and biting into it in an extremely erotic fashion. This made him excited, in spite of his reservations about the odd pork product. He decided he would eat the bacon and then ravish Mele on the dining table afterwards.

"Itadakimasu," he said before digging in.

When Rio took a bite of his bacon, a smile formed on his face. The only thing more beautiful than his smile was the taste of the bacon. If Mele's labia were made of bacon, he would have been much more eager to perform cunnilingus. He took a bigger bite of the bacon and suddenly began to weep. It tasted better than anything, even better than victory.

"Is Rio-sama pleased with Mele?" Mele asked, bobbing up and down.

"Shut-up, Mele," Rio said, continuing to cry tears of joy while eating the rest of his bacon. He wanted to wrap Mele up in a giant bacon strip and stuff her vagina with crab meat, as if she were a piece of stuffed shrimp. If he had voiced his desire, Mele would have been thrilled and gone out to get a Mele-sized strip of bacon immediately. Unfortunately, Rio realized that he was running late for work.

"Mele, come by during my lunch hour," Rio told his wife. He was planning to take her like he was taking inventory. Mele understood and giggled with joy. Rio threw his fur to the ground as he got up from the table. Mele came over to wipe the bacon grease from the corners of his mouth and then put his fur back on like a good wife.

He muttered a tiny 'good-bye' and left without a hug or anything. This bothered Mele a bit, but she hid it well, especially since she was excited about their sexcapade later that day. Oh, how naughty and devious!

Once outside, Rio spun around and teleported to his workplace: Starbucks. He glared at the establishment that was so obviously beneath him before entering. Why did he have to wait on people when it should have been the other way around? He would make the best latte in the world one day, and then people would be begging him to make them coffee, and their desperate need to taste his latte would give him power over them. Only then would he truly be the strongest.

Rio cackled in his head, as cackling out-loud would be uncharacteristic of him. Still, Dan, his co-worker and rival, noticed the evil glint in Rio's eye.

"If you have time to laugh maniacally in your head, then you will never succeed in the coffee business," the old man told Rio.

"There is training in laughing maniacally in one's head," said Master Shafu, the giant furry cat who was their boss. That was the first and last time the cat had anything nice to say about Rio. Usually he just complained about the fact that Rio refused to wear the Starbucks uniform. On the off chance that he got Rio to wear the uniform, the young man would always insist on wearing his fur over it. And he always came in reeking of semen and vaginal juices and Flaming Hot Cheetos. At least the customers didn't mind his strange habits, as long as Rio did not accidentally throw his fur in their faces.

"Master Shafu is right," Dan humbly conceded like the goody two-shoes he was. This infuriated Rio even more. He looked past Dan at the "Employee of the Month" plaque on the wall and the shit-eating picture of the old man underneath. For twenty-five consecutive years, Dan had consistently gotten the title while Rio had to suffer in the man's shadow.

"I will have my revenge, Dan," Rio swore with venom just as he had sworn to never age. He stalked to his post behind the counter and slipped. Momentarily dazed, he felt the wet floor, recently mopped, underneath him. A look around his surroundings indicated that the wet floor sign hadn't been put up.

"That stupid offspring of Dan...," he muttered under his breath. Dan's son Jan was the seemingly-retarded janitor that worked at Starbucks. He was supposedly raised in the wild and spoke in some strange language that no one understood. Even Rio with his magnificent intelligence could not understand his words. The only reason Jan got a job at Starbucks was through his father. It was unfair, especially since Rio had to be bothered with completing a resume (that Mele had ended up doing for him) and an interview (during which he just glared and scared the interviewer into hiring him).

Rio watched Jan scuttle away under a table with a rag, still dressed in the loincloth that the rescuers had found him in. The older man rolled his eyes and got up, proceeding to go about his daily work. Rio still did not know exactly what Dan's job was that made him so important, it seemed like he just did inappropriate things with Master Shafu in his office all day. They were awfully vocal, and it annoyed Rio to no end. When the customers heard their screams of pleasure, Rio would explain that Master Shafu was addicted to a certain Wii game called _Kitten Party: the Video Game_ based on _Kitten Party: the Movie_ which had been adapted from a short story by George R. R. Martin (it was one of the author's earlier works, he does not like to talk about it). Master Shafu always dominated Dan when they played together. Rio suspected that Master Shafu dominated Dan in other games as well, games that involved the big cat's barbed penis and the old man's shriveled asshole.

"Come on my face!" Dan yelled. Rio had a difficult time explaining how that was related to the video game. He made a mental note not to touch Master Shafu's wiimotes, especially since the last time he was in there he noticed they were coated with brown smudges. It was possible that Master Shafu simply enjoyed eating chocolate ice cream while playing his games, and Dan's screams were somehow in response to whatever the hell was happening in _Kitten Party_, but Rio doubted that their game was as innocent as they wanted everyone to believe. No matter what, Rio always respected the "do not disturb" sign that Master Shafu had permanently posted on his door.

Rio started to grind the coffee beans with unusual force as the mental image of Master Shafu and Dan "playing _Kitten Party_" made him horny. He felt disgusted with himself for being turned on by something so stupid. He looked for something to distract him, and that's when he discovered the scent, that familiar aroma of the most heavenly thing on this earth.

"Bacon," Rio salivated. He narrowed his eyes and glanced around the work area, for he knew the scent to be close. He found the bacon egg wraps that were only sold at this specific Starbucks. Jan had made these since his only talent was making bacon egg wraps. His father had handed down the skill to him before his mother had thrown him into the river.

His co-worker Gou, who never wore a shirt because his chest was allergic to clothing, made all the other foods. But Rio did not see anyone else around, so no one except Jan would notice if he swiped a few of the wraps. If Jan did witness the theft and decided to rat him out to Shafu, it would not matter. Not even the boy's father could understand his language.

Jan peaked up out from under a random patron's skirt where he had been cleaning while exclaiming "zowa-zowa!" Yes, it was zowa-zowa indeed as Rio grew ever closer to the golden bacon egg wraps. The fur on Rio's back itched to be thrown. Jan crawled over and hid himself as he watched Rio execute workplace theft by reaching for the wraps. The woman whose private area Jan had violated came over and angrily hit the wild-man on the head with her purse, which happened to contain three pool balls, so it really hurt. The commotion snapped Rio out of his bacon-induced trance and he noticed Jan. They made eye-contact for a split second before the pull of the bacon drew Rio's attention back to the wraps of sin.

Without another thought, he swiped one, then another, and then five more and stuffed them into the nether regions of his fur. It would be much too suspicious were he to consume them now. No, for once, he would make use of his lunch break properly, and then he would use the bacon grease as lubrication and ride Mele. Yes, his plan was flawless.

Jan had recovered from the assault and watched Rio commit the crime with his very own eyes. He felt confused as he saw Rio's fingertips dance over the wraps before they disappeared inside the man's cape. The wild-man started to shake, quite possibly because he had to pee, but most likely because he had to tell someone of what he had just witnessed. A crime had just been committed!

"I feel so uja-uja...," Jan mumbled right before he passed out from trauma to the head. For the remainder of the morning shift, Rio continued to step over Jan's prostrate body as he served the customers up some of the world's best coffee. Someday his coffee would rule the world, and Rio would rule the coffee, therefore he would rule the world through his coffee.

"And then we shall truly see who comes on whose face, Dan," Rio cackled inside his head while snorting a strip of bacon from within his fur before anyone could see.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Jan suddenly regained consciousness and realized that he needed to pee. As he got up from the floor, he got the feeling that he was forgetting something important; something to do with bacon and a very attractive man dressed in leather with a fur cape. He looked around the coffee shop, expecting to find the answer, but all he saw was Rio about to throw his fur before the man reconsidered and inconspicuously inhaled a strip of bacon. Oh well, Jan decided. It would probably come to him in the bathroom.

Jan halted mid-step. Did he just see Rio inhale bacon? It wasn't normal to inhale food and Rio might choke, Jan concluded with alarm. He did a 360-degree turn and looked very confused when he saw that he was still facing the same direction.

"Muka-muka!" he cried with annoyance when he repeated his spin and ended up with the same result fifty-seven more times. By now, Rio would have died. In that case, someone would need to retrieve his body and inform his relatives of the untimely death. Jan continued to spin until he tripped over his feet and hit the side of the counter. He saw his life flash before his eyes which consisted of his mother (a round person who looked suspiciously like a cat) throwing him into the river, and Rio stealing the bacon egg wraps from work.

Jan woke up a second later, shaking because he still had to pee, but now he remembered the crime and it was his duty to tell Master Shafu before it was too late!

"Neko!" Jan hollered as he ran to the office of their boss. His loin-cloth flew up and down as he ran, revealing his tiger eggs for all to see.

Rio did the Heimlich Maneuver on himself to stop himself from choking. Inhaling anything that wasn't air was a bad idea, he realized belatedly. He should have waited so that he could enjoy his bacon in private. This bacon tasted just as good as the stuff Mele had cooked-in fact, it tasted exactly the same. He wanted to weep while eating it, but of course he could not show emotion in public. Thankfully his lunch break was coming up soon and he could be reunited with his one and only love... and of course Mele and her vagina too.

Mele was so excited to see Rio that she arrived a bit early. Rio had no problem with this, since his boss was too busy with _Kitten Party_ to notice if he left his post. Gou, another employee who had actually been there all this time without Rio realizing, would happily cover for him.

"What is your name, co-worker?" Rio asked Gou for the 2945th time.

"It's Gou. That is the 2945th time you have asked me that, my friend. It is fun to have a running joke like that," Gou chuckled while playing with the curly hair on his pectorals.

Rio did not know what he meant about the running joke, he only vaguely remembered his co-worker even though they worked together every day.

"You will cover for me while I attend to my wife," Rio informed him.

"I'd be happy to, buddy!" Gou smiled.

"Rio-sama~" Mele greeted. "I hope you have been having a nice day so far!"

Rio glared at her. Of course he was not having a nice day, he was working as a subordinate to a cat and grouchy old man and had to listen to them playing _Kitten Party_ and/or bone each other all day.

"Could you make Mele a cup of your very special coffee?" Mele asked.

Rio was pleased that Mele appreciated his coffee, it seemed that she was the only one in this stupid place that did.  
"I appreciate your coffee!" said Gou as if reading his mind, but Rio ignored him.

Meanwhile, Jan walked in on Master Shafu and Dan playing _Kitten Party_, and they weren't wearing any clothes for some reason. Jan yelled that Rio had stolen the bacon egg wraps that he had worked so hard to make, but his boss and father only stared at him as if they could not understand what he was saying. That was how people usually looked at him when he talked.

"You guys suck!" Jan screamed, but it sounded like "Wacka flocka!" He stomped his feet and ran out. Since Master Shafu wasn't going to listen to him, he would go pee instead. That was what he did for fun when he wanted to relieve stress.

In the bathroom, Jan struggled to figure out whether he should use the sink, the urinal, or the toilet. He took so long trying to decide that he peed his pants. Or, he would have peed his pants if he had been wearing pants, but instead he peed in his loincloth and made a mess on the floor. He did not realize that he no longer needed to relieve himself, so he continued to stand there until he heard a voice coming from the stall.

"Are you one of those adult babies?" said the voice in the language that Jan had made up.

"No! Yes. No. Yes! No," said Jan, confused and suspicious. He had always imagined that the brown stuff that came out of his butt could talk, sometimes he even gave his brown stuff names, but it had never actually talked back before. Even Jan usually knew the difference between imagination and reality. For example, he knew that the flying baby tigers that followed him around were real, even though no one else could hear or see them and they never aged. He also knew that Gou was a figment of his imagination, and some type of mass hallucination at that. All in all, Jan was a very sensible human being. Nevertheless, it didn't hurt to ask.

"Um, excuse me," Jan began, unsure of how to address the voice that could potentially be his own feces since he often forgot to flush, "Are you my butt-chocolate?"

"What, are you serio-NO, that's disgusting," the voice said from inside a toilet.

Jan entered the stall as Rio planned to enter Mele. He found a small golden haired man in a red robe floating in the toilet.  
"Whose butt-chocolate are you?" Jan inquired as he knelt before the toilet-bowl.

"Nobody's," the man replied with irritation. "My name is Long, and I have a question for you now. Do you often find yourself experiencing erections that last more than four hours?"

Jan counted on his fingers, considering the question, then responded "I always have an erection."

"Do you often find yourself thinking of Rio when you get these erections?" Long asked.

"Yes! I think of Rio often! He is my best friend!" Jan decided then and there.

"Then four out of five dentists agree that you should go fuck him senseless while bending him over the wii console in Master Shafu's office."

"... I'm sorry, what?" Jan asked, wondering if Long really understood him after all. He was speaking nonsense that Jan did not understand, but he was still waki-waki to meet someone who seemed to comprehend him.

"Spank him, I tell you!" Long spat with what Jan could only describe as niki-niki. "Take your geki-nunchucks and abuse his ass until it's redder than my robes."

"..." Jan thought.

"Lick his hole like a life-saver!" Long continued, unaware of Jan's growing disconcertion.

"What's a life-saver?" Jan finally asked.

"You know nothing. I must find another way to get you in bed with Rio," Long grumbled.

With all this talk of Rio, Jan recalled the source of all of his stress in the first place. He suddenly had an idea. Since Long understood him, maybe he could help Jan and give him advice about Rio's crime.

Meanwhile, Rio was making coffee for Mele. Gou tried to help, but Rio did not acknowledge him. He even bumped into Gou a few times because he did not even see him. After scooping the coffee and turning the machine on, Rio made an epic fist and stared at it. Then Gou started moving stuff around to organize the workspace, which distracted Rio from his fist and wrecked his whole process of making coffee. He need to start over again. He had to stare at his fist while the coffee brewed, and if he took his eyes off it for a second his system was ruined! The coffee just wouldn't be as good if he wasn't concentrating, creating a spiritual connection with Starbucks's crappy machine. The second time he brewed his coffee, Mele and Gou were completely silent and did not move a muscle. Even the customers were holding their breath. When he was finally done, Mele tried to put cream and sugar in her coffee, but Rio grabbed her hand to stop her.

Even though they had been married for longer than most people had been alive, his hand lingered on hers for a moment too long and he felt lighter. No, he couldn't appear to be weak in public. He dropped her hand and threw the sugar and cream behind him where they hit Gou. Gou proceeded to clean up the mess by licking the floor. That was what Jan usually did, so Gou assumed that was just the way one cleans a floor.

"Can't Mele have sugar in her coffee?" Mele asked her dear husband.

"Shut-up, Mele," Rio replied coldly before taking the coffee into his mouth and then pressing his lips on Mele's, force-feeding her the hot liquid. He simultaneously played with her breasts, not caring how many customers saw them. If he was able to explain the noises Master Shafu and Dan made while playing _Kitten Party_, then he could talk his way out of groping his wife.

Somewhere far away, an elephant watched through binoculars and touched himself.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

It took everything she had for Mele not to cough the hot coffee back into Rio's mouth, but she swallowed it like a good wife, knowing that she would soon be swallowing something much sweeter. She knew that coffee with milk and sugar disgusted Rio, but she loved it because it reminded her of something she loved. All the black coffee and candy he consumed made his semen taste like sweet coffee. Mele found it hard to believe cum could taste so good, but perhaps the magical powers that made Rio immortal also made him delicious.

"Rio-sama, Mele's throat is burned. Would it please Rio-sama for Mele to have a drink of water?" Mele asked desperately after she drank all the coffee.

"No," Rio said, dragging her with him to the bathroom.

It was time for sexytime, Mele realized. She giggled gleefully as Rio tugged on her arm so hard it hurt her, in a good way.  
However, when they entered the bathroom, they found Jan kneeling before a toilet, apparently talking to himself in his nonsense language. Rio was so angry that flames literally came out of his eyes. Having sex with Mele while someone else was there, even if it was only Jan, was something he just could not do. His O-face was so embarrassing he could not allow anyone other than Mele to see it.

Rio's darkest secret was that in his moment of pleasure, his face would scrunch up and his eyes would widen. Every single time Rio jizzed into Mele's who-ha, he made this silly face. There was nothing he could do to control it. It would be a terrible blow to his Pride if Jan saw him at that sensitive moment.

Yet Rio could not simply kick Jan out of the bathroom, not when it sounded like he was enjoying himself so much. Whether it was because he felt sorry for the boy or because Jan's father could make his workday even more hellish for him, Rio could not say.

He put the thought away for the time being and addressed his wife. "Mele, due to unforeseen circumstances and my Pride being at stake, I will not be taking you at this time." He had never thought he would utter the words, but the more he pondered, the more he realized that he didn't want to appear vulnerable in front of Jan.

Mele looked just as shocked. The red chameleon eyes that always appeared on her nipples when she was aroused throbbed to be twisted and pulled, but now it appeared that they wouldn't be getting serviced after all. Mele needed the release just as much as Rio did, and that loser Jan was preventing that from happening!

"But Rio-sama~" she whined.

"Shut-up, Mele," said Rio curtly. "And give me some eye-drops." Due to his strict diet of coffee, candy and despair, the flames that had shot out from his eyes earlier hadn't damaged his corneas too badly, but the eye-drops would take care of the possibility of further injury.

Mele reached into her bra, which contained many wonderful things, including a set of breasts and the eye-drops that Rio desired. Mele looked away as Rio squeezed the drops into his eyes, since that kind of stuff freaked her out, but she admired Rio even more for being strong enough to do that to himself. Her heart was still heavy from the disappointment of being cock-blocked, so she ran to the ladies' room to pleasure herself with the lipstick vibrator Rio had gotten her for Easter. She had no shame and did not care who heard her moans of ecstasy.

"Mele-" Rio called after Mele shut the door to the mens' room, oddly sad to see her rush off without a word. Now he did not know what to do with the eye-drops. He did not like the idea of having to hold onto them until Mele returned, so he left them on the sink. Jan might enjoy them, he thought as he exited the restroom and returned to work. Perhaps a small gift like that would make up for the fact that Rio's actions had put Jan in an awkward situation of moral dilemma and divided loyalties.

What Rio did not realize was that Jan was not talking to himself. Jan was conversing with Long, and the subject of their conversation was Rio.

"Well, Rio is obviously innocent," Long explained after hearing Jan's account of Rio's theft. "This Starbucks is clearly haunted."

Jan had always known the Starbucks was haunted, but he had never feared the ghosts because he believed Rio would protect him with his fur. The moaning that came from Master Shafu's office was especially eerie, but Jan had been assured that those sounds came from _Kitten Party_. That game scared Jan, and that was why his father did not allow him to play it.

"A ghost stole the bacon egg wraps? Not Rio?" Jan asked, happy that his best friend's honor remained untainted.  
"Yes, but now Rio is in danger! If you don't have sex with him then the ghosts will cut his penis off and fuck him with it!" Long warned.

"Oh! Then I must have sex with Rio! How do I do that?" Jan wondered.

"You are hopeless," Long face-palmed. "Just ask Master Shafu and Dan how they do it."

"But all they do together is play _Kitten Party_ all day," Jan started to argue, but then remembered that as they spoke, Rio remained in danger, and he had to figure out a way to save his bestie before it was too late. Unfortunately, he forgot why Rio was in danger. He also forgot that he was talking to Long, so he ran out of the restroom crying "zowan-zowan!"

However, instead of running out to Rio, he ran into the ladies' room instead and caught Mele in mid-orgasm. Her face looked suspiciously like the face his father had been making when he'd entered Master Shafu's office earlier.

Meanwhile, Rio was in the middle of glaring at a giant bat customer who was dumping copious amounts of sugar into his coffee. Many of Master Shafu's animal friends came to this Starbucks, but none of them truly appreciated Rio's coffee.  
He licked each of his fingers clean of bacon grease after finally being able to devour the heavenly strips. Having given into his urges all day and eating the strips at a steady rate, he was able to stave off his addiction and entertain Mele when she'd arrived for his break. It was a shame he hadn't been able to use the grease to penetrate Mele. That's when he noticed that Jan had run into the ladies' room, which meant the mens' room was open and he could make his silly O-face without fear of anyone taking a picture of it and posting it on the internet. Thankfully, he still had time left in his lunch break for Mele. He no longer had the grease, but he still had the libido.

He would have had Mele on the restroom floor in a matter of moments, but Master Shafu stopped him before he could get his wife out of the other bathroom.

"Rio, are you a girl?" Master Shafu asked. Rio wondered what the cat was doing outside of his office at this time. Surely Shafu must have had better things to do than ask him stupid questions.

"No," Rio growled. "Get out of my way, I need to get my wife."

"If you are not a girl, you are not allowed in there," Master Shafu pointed to the word "women" on the door.

"Jan is in there," Rio argued, feeling bold enough to defy his stupid boss.

"Jan's sex has yet to be determined," Master Shafu stated.

"We've all seen his testicles at one point or another," Rio grumbled in defeat.

Rio attempted to get back to work, but Master Shafu pulled him into his office. For a moment Rio felt as though he were being sucked into a pit of doom. Doooooooom.

Master Shafu closed the door, and Rio was trapped. He looked around briefly, noticing that there was only one wiimote by the wii console instead of two. He wondered how long the remote had been missing. Master Shafu caught his attention again by slapping him, then showed him a long orange hair.

"My ape friend complained of finding this hair in his coffee," said Master Shafu.

"Are you accusing me of something?" Rio asked blankly. He would never admit to any crime, especially not to one he did not commit.

"You wear that stupid fur every day and throw it around, and I let you do it because it brings in the 12-18 female demographic. I did not expect you to let that fur get in the way of your job, but now it has. This hair came from your fur, and it got in a customer's coffee because you were careless," Master Shafu lectured.

"That hair is not from my fur," Rio pointed out. "It looks like _your_ hair."

"You will apologize to the ape for spoiling his coffee and make him another cup," Master Shafu said after slapping Rio again. Rio could not take much more of this.

Of course Dan had to burst in, just to make Rio's life even worse. Rio noticed that Dan was walking funny, as if his ass were in terrible pain. Rio laughed gleefully in his head, since he could never show any such emotion in the presence of his enemies.

"Master Shafu," Dan began gravely. "I have grave news." The old man looked at Rio and a deep sense of foreboding took over Rio like an undersized condom suffocating his dick. "Someone has been stealing our bacon egg wraps."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"Do you have any proof it was I who stole the wraps?" Rio challenged Dan. He brought an arm to his fur, ready to throw it in the case of a duel.

"I did not say it was you who did," quipped the old man.

"Well I didn't."

"Oh, but I think you did," Dan accused anyway. "And after you took them, you killed them mercilessly with your own hands!"

Meanwhile, Mele climaxed a couple more times and left her stall to wash her hands. She absently noted seeing the wild-man-janitor-creature leave the ladies' room but paid it no heed. A good finger party was just what she needed since Rio had been unable to perform intercourse on her person.

Her face faulted when she realized her beloved's break was almost over. She raced out of the bathroom in hopes of at least being able to kiss him good-bye.

Jan galloped on all fours back into the mens' room thinking that Rio had perhaps come to relieve his bladder on the floor. With saving Rio from impending doom as his top priority, he scoured the perimeter of the restroom with utmost haste, licking it clean in the process. His tongue felt enriched with the plethora of flavors, but the wild man could not waste time for it was of the essence.

"Oooh, what's this?" Jan pondered when his eyes caught sight of a peculiar bottle on one of the sinks. He went to swipe it, but it slipped from his grasp and rolled to one of the toilets. Jan jumped for it and rolled like a spy to the commode. Long watched with amusement at the tiger-boy's antics.

Just then, Gou bolted into the stall needing to relieve himself. He stepped on the hunched form of Jan-not on purpose, but he couldn't hold it in any longer. He peed all over Long's face and all over the walls of the stalls because Jan kept laughing while playing with the bottle of what appeared to be eye-drops. Long's cries of agony were drowned out by the satisfied flush that followed.

"Ah, well back to work!" Gou said happily to himself before leaving the bathroom after washing his hands twelve times. He skipped past Master Shafu's office where he overheard what sounded like a heated argument. Wary for his good friend, Gou took post outside the office in case Rio needed reinforcement. He flexed his biceps and made his pecs dance for effect.

Dan continued to state that Rio was a thief, encouraging Master Shafu to fire him. This time Mele, who had been walking by staring at Gou's dancing pectorals, overheard the accusation.

Rio was beyond offended by the accusation against him. If there was one thing he hated more than being blamed for something he didn't do, it was being blamed for something that was 100% his fault. The audacity of Dan to even have the nerve to point a chocolate-coated finger in his direction!

Rio could have killed Master Shafu and Dan right there. He considered this, and decided there really was no reason not to go ahead and rid himself of these idiots. But then Mele burst through the door, hoping to rescue her love by any means necessary.

"It was Mele who stole the bacon wraps!" Mele cried, sacrificing herself for Rio. Some part of Rio felt touched by this, but of course he didn't show it.

"I will hire a private investigator to uncover who stole the bacon wraps," Master Shafu declared, apparently ignoring Mele.

"But, Mele just said..." Mele was confused. She secretly enjoyed the idea of sacrificing herself for her love.

"But I know that Rio did it!" Dan insisted, also ignoring Mele.

"I don't know what you are talking about," Rio said coolly as he ate a piece of bacon that he had somehow missed from inside his fur. No one was looking in his direction except for Dan who at that very instant was wrought with severe anal spasms so he couldn't properly discern if Rio was eating a bacon strip or a turd.

Master Shafu flipped through a phone-book. "Will you two please quit your squibbling for just a moment? I have trouble finding anything in alphabetical order as it is."

Dan recovered momentarily and glared daggers at Rio. "You will never be stronger if you continue to weave lies and commit larceny!"

Rio's finely-shaped eyebrows twitched. "I have had it with your preaching, you good-for-nothing white tiger! Mele," he said, facing his wife. "Go stand over there so I can throw my fur epically and have it land on you, thereby proving that I have some sort of sympathy for you."

Mele clapped her hands ecstatically and did as he said. "I will catch whatever you throw at me, Rio-sama~"

Dan adopted a fighting stance. "You will lose," he promised.

Rio rolled his eyes and threw his cape. It missed Mele, but she quickly scuttled over to it and crawled underneath to please her lover. Rio held up his fist, staring at it as he made his threat with wide eyes of doom: "If you do not take back your false accusations now, I will shove that wiimote-" he threw his other arm in the direction of the device, not breaking his eye-contact with his fist- "right up your ass, old man."

"_You wouldn't dare_...eeeuuuhhh," Dan would have continued to mock Rio's sexiness in italics, but instead he fell to the ground crying because of the pain in his buttocks. Rio would have laughed aloud for once, if he had not heard Jan's scream coming from outside combined with what sounded like an elephant's trumpet.

Rio brought his fist down and ran to the door, pummeling past Gou.

"You can do it, friend!" Gou cheered Rio on, as his co-worker looked like a man with a mission.

"Rio-sama~" Mele cried, following after her husband. She tried to take the fur with her, but it was surprisingly heavier than it looked, and she grew tired after dragging it past the door. She looked at Gou. She had never seen this man before; he was probably an intern or something.

"You there," she ordered. Normally she wouldn't entrust the fur to anyone, but this lad looked reliable.

Gou met her eyes and smiled kindly. "Yes, Mrs. Rio?"

"How do you know my name?" Mele asked. She had to admit that the name had a nice ring to it.

"We met earlier when your husband was making you coffee," Gou said, smiling fondly at the memory. "I helped, remember?"

Mele gazed at him with suspicion. "I don't think I've met you before in my life."

Gou chuckled amiably at this. "I see, I see. You appear to have the same sense of humor as Rio. Anyway, how can I help you?"

"Shave your chest ASAP," Mele commented. "But for now, I am leaving this mantle in your care. I hope your hands are cleaner than your upper torso."

Gou nodded and accepted the cape, vowing to protect it with his life. Mele took off after her husband.

Rio felt strangely protective of Jan, apparently more so than his father, who would continue to wither in pain on the floor of Master Shafu's office. Without knowing what was truly driving him, the black lion turned a corner and found Jan cowering outside the mens' room. Rio, who had an eye for details, noticed the bottle of eye-drops discarded at the wild man's feet. It touched him to know that Jan had indeed played with it, and it made him almost bat-shit crazy to see that the man-boy was being...what was this? Molested by an elephant?

The elephant cackled as he stripped Jan of his loincloth. This was Master Shafu's friend who had a price on his head in eight other countries and five U.S. territories for rape and child molestation. Again Rio reflected that it might be best to kill Master Shafu and be done with it, if that cat associated himself with criminals such as this. Rio grabbed the elephant's nose and poked him in the eye. The pervert staggered away from Jan with a cry of pain.

"What gives!?" the elephant exclaimed.

Rio wasn't finished. He went to the animal and fisted its trunk until his arm was nearly shoulder-deep inside. Then he grabbed a bunch of the nose hair and plucked them all at once, reducing the elephant to tears.

"Alright, alright!" The elephant surrendered. It fell to its knees and coiled up in a fetal position. Rio walked over to Jan, threw his loincloth back to him while avoiding looking at his privates, and held out his hand to pull him up. It was the clean hand, but Jan, so used to cleaning up random shit, felt more comfortable reaching for the one covered in elephant snot. He tried to lick Rio's arm clean to show his gratitude, but Rio got too weirded out and pulled his hand away.

"Rio-sama~" Mele called as she arrived on the scene. She stopped short of her husband but that was a mistake as the elephant took the chance to cop a feel of her ass.

"Touch me again and see what happens," Mele threatened the elephant under her breath when she felt the trunk against her inner thigh. "Rio-sama~" she said again, stepping on the elephant's balls and running over to her husband. She wrapped her arms around him.

"Not now, Mele," Rio said, pushing her off. He faced Jan who returned the gaze with a sincere smile.

Jan felt nothing but gratitude toward his best friend. He said thank you, but Rio only gave him a blank look, obviously not understanding his words. Instead the man turned around and said over his shoulder, "Be more aware of your surroundings." Jan couldn't help but think how cool and mysterious Rio seemed, especially without his cape hiding the well-defined muscles of the older man's body.

Jan suddenly remembered the danger that Rio was in. The Starbucks was haunted!

Master Shafu finally decided to come out of his office to see what was going on, and found his elephant friend lying on the floor crying.

"Rio, what did you do to my friend?" Master Shafu asked.

"I was defending Jan, because no one else would," Rio explained while making a fist.

The elephant saw the fist and started to re-live the terrible ordeal once more. He ran to Master Shafu's robes and hid inside them while using the opportunity to play with the cat's testicles.

"Ooh!" Master Shafu said gleefully. "You have nice technique~" He reclaimed his composure and looked sternly at Rio. "I have half a mind to slap you for your insolence, but seeing as no one was too poorly hurt..." The elephant whimpered. "Oh, hush, Ele-Han. This happens to you on a daily basis." Master Shafu cleared his throat of a hair-ball. "Anyway, I have already contacted the investigator, and he will be here shortly. The truth behind the missing bacon wraps will be uncovered."

Mele looked nervously at Rio, but he only squinted his eyes at Master Shafu, as if saying "bring it on, old man-cat-thing."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Rio came to work the next day with red eyes from lack of sleep. He had been up all night worrying about his fur-which Mele had given to Gou to hold and then forgotten about it. Mele recalled having the fur and then giving it to someone else, but she could not for the life of her remember who she would have trusted with Rio's fur.

It was true that Rio had a closet full of identical capes, but the one he had been wearing the previous day had been his favorite for some reason. Rio would have been furious with Mele, but he could see that she was already torturing herself over her mistake, so he just ignored her more than usual. Mele would have prefered that he punish her with a beating, because at least then he would have been paying attention to her. Mele promised to find the lost mantle if it was the last thing she ever did. She would spend the whole day searching around the city. It wasn't as if she had anything better to do since bedding her was no longer one of Rio's priorities.

Her search was wasted, because as soon as Rio walked into Starbucks, Gou and his freshly shaven chest presented him with his precious fur. Rio assumed that this stranger had stolen it, so he punched him in the stomach and took what was his. He then grabbed Gou's throat with one hand and pushed him up against the wall.

"How dare you steal from me? I will drown you and your family in hot coffee and take pleasure in your despair." The idea made Rio hard.

"I had it dry-cleaned for you, my friend," Gou chuckled and cried as his eyes watched Rio's erection with wonder. "The beautiful Mrs. Rio gave me the honor of guarding it while you heroically defended Jan-chan from the elephant. When you both left without it, I swore to protect it until I could return it to you."

Rio dropped Gou, leaving him to cough and laugh simultaneously. Rio was angry that Mele had left his mantle with a stranger, but it seemed that this fellow had taken good care of it.

This was an awkward situation. Rio now had two furs, the one he was wearing and the one from the other day. Unlike Mele, he would not trust anyone with any of his possessions, so he would just have to wear two furs for the rest of the day. There was training in layering heavy clothing in the summer, and the discomfort would break Rio out of the monotony. He walked to his work-station, prepared to take on the day.

Everything was going well for the first few hours of the day, until Rio walked over to the trashcan and slipped on the wet floor. There was a pool of saliva from Jan's cleaning.

"Goddammit, Jan," Rio cursed, getting up like a boss despite the rather ungraceful fall. He continued with his work as someone came to order.

Jan, who had witnessed his best friend trip through his air-binoculars, started to freak out. He couldn't see why Rio, as graceful as he was, would have tripped on seemingly nothing. The wild-man inspected more closely and his blood ran cold when he realized it had to be paranormal activity.

"That blond butt-chocolate was right!" Jan concluded with sheer terror. He ripped off his loincloth and made a mad dash for Rio. "I will save you!" He'd gone back to the jungle last night with a DVD on ghost hunting he'd gotten from the adult video store per Long's recommendation. While the tutorials had all involved him being naked, he was confident that the various positions he'd learned and practiced until dawn would serve him well. He had even practiced on his panda friends, but they didn't seem to like it much.

"I'm sorry, we don't serve bacon egg wraps here," Rio informed his new customer, wanting to halt all sales of said product in order to keep them for himself.

The customer, an attractive man with a beauty mark on his right cheek, stared at Rio while crossing his arms over his chest. "Do you expect me to believe that when I can clearly see the wraps in the display case?"

"I expect you to believe my fist if you don't stop asking questions," Rio countered.

"Touche," replied the customer with a smirk. Little did Rio know, this man was lord of the Shiba clan.

"Shiba-dono, shall I kill this man for his impudence?" asked another young man, wearing a blue sweater vest and an adorable grin, who appeared to be with the customer. He steadied his bow and arrow, ready to pierce Rio's ballsack. Shiba Takeru looked away, as if he were embarrassed by his devoted retainer's outburst.

Suddenly, Jan appeared out of nowhere naked in all of his glory. He jumped to grab Rio, but the object of his desire had chosen that moment to bend over and sneeze. Jan's foot latched onto Rio's fur in mid-flight. The fur was thrown somewhere as Jan flew out a conveniently-placed open window. He positioned himself in doggy-position to brace the fall as the DVD had directed him.

The entire event and lack of shame startled the man with the bow and arrow. He let his arrow go and watched in horror as it pierced his lord's foot.

"SHIBA-DONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he wailed, falling to his knees and preparing to commit seppuku with the receipt for his latte. This would be even more difficult than using a bamboo sword, but he was determined to make it work in order to preserve the honor of his lord.

Rio felt the weight lift from him, but he had been unable to see who had dared to take his precious fur once more in the mess of balls that had zipped past his handsome face. They'd looked suspiciously like Jan's tiger eggs, but when he turned around, he only found a very suspicious looking Gou. Rio had never seen this shirtless man before, but that guilty look on the man's face was enough for him to know who had snatched his fur. He threw off the remaining fur and charged toward the stranger.

The only reason Gou looked and felt so guilty was because he was a failure.

"Hey new kid, are you good at pulling things out of tight places?" a rather bleak-looking Dan had asked him a few hours ago, to which Gou had nodded. That was an innocent-enough favor.

"I would not dream of asking anyone else to do this. I even hesitated before enlisting your help, but you are practically invisible, so no one will believe you anyway..." Dan had then taken him into Master Shafu's office and requested him to do something very odd. He'd told Gou to think of it like playing _Kitten Party_ as a first-person shooter instead of an RPG. Gou liked _Kitten Party_ a lot, but he was pretty sure the version he played was different from the one Dan played with Master Shafu. Still, he had done as he was told. Unfortunately, he'd failed, and Dan had succumbed to even more pain than before. Dan lay there in agony for hours before finally giving up. Gou had held Dan's hand as he died. It had been awkward to explain to Master Shafu when he walked in.

Gou shed a single beautiful tear as Rio tackled him, and did not try to defend himself from Rio's blows.

"I am a failure!" Gou sobbed. "Dan, I am so sorry!"  
Rio froze. "What about Dan?"

"He had a wiimote stuck up his ass and he died," Master Shafu interrupted. "He had too much Pride to go to a hospital. Who knows how long it had been there. He was a fool, a sad and beautiful fool."

Meanwhile, Takeru's retainer tried unsuccessfully to disembowel himself before his lord.

"Ryunosuke, you do not need to do this!" Takeru shouted as he knelt down to face his subordinate.

"I have injured by lord and brought shame upon my family!" Ryunosuke sobbed dramatically, continuing to jab at his belly with his receipt. He did not even manage to give himself a paper cut.

Takeru pulled the arrow out of his foot like a badass, clenching his teeth so he would not cry out in pain. He could not show any signs of weakness to the man who was following him, who looked up to him and risked his life for him.

"I should never have left the theatre to become a samurai," Ryunosuke continued to sob. "I am not suited for this life. All I want to do is wear pretty costumes and take Shiba-dono back to my dressing room after the show."

"This talking is pointless," Takeru said, shutting Ryunosuke up with a kiss.

Ryunosuke's eyes widened, his fantasies had finally become reality. His lord was bold, forcing his mouth open with his tongue. It felt as if the rest of the world had vanished, and only the two of them were left.

However, the rest of the world was actually still there, and few people appreciated that the boys had chosen to sit in the middle of the floor to make out. Jan had returned after his adventure out the window and watched the two men kissing. He imagined it would be nice to do that with Rio. Gou, Master Shafu, and Rio had also stopped to observe the yaoi action.

Rio found the love between the aloof but protective master and the obsessively devoted servant touching, and for some reason it made him think of Mele. He watched the boys with curiosity, as he secretly wanted to experience sex with another man. However, the sounds Dan made in Shafu's office made him reluctant to explore these desires. Rio then realized that he would never have to hear Dan's gross sexual noises again, because Dan was dead. Now he could take his rightful place as Employee of the Month!

Rio opened his mouth to ask Master Shafu when he could put his picture up, when a scraggly young man who had never showered walked through the door.

"Hey, I'm Ken, the detective! I'm here to ask questions about a missing hamster," detective Ken proclaimed.

"Hello partner!" Gou greeted. He was a detective in addition to working at Starbucks.

"I called a detective to investigate a case of stolen bacon. You'll do," Master Shafu said, not sure if this Ken was the detective that the agency had intended to send or not.

"I already have a suspect!" Ken declared, pointing at someone outside on the other side of the street. "The art critic Fukami Retsu stole the hamsters yesterday at precisely 4:12 pm."

"They were bacon egg wraps, and they were stolen before noon," Master Shafu pointed out.

"Ah! So time travel is involved. The plot thickens..." Ken stared off into space.

"Retsu is my brother! He never comes in here though," Gou informed the man and cat. "We should talk, I have some information that might be helpful."

"No need, I have already made up my mind, Retsu is the thief," Ken laughed, walking behind the counter and taking one of the bacon egg wraps.

Flames shot out of Rio's eyes again, and this time he did not have any eye drops to rescue him. The scent of the bacon drove him mad with desire, but he could not act or he would give himself away as the real thief.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

As Jan watched the two guys practically swallow each other on the floor, he thought longingly of Rio, who he had only grown more and more attached to with each passing second. When he took a moment to steal a glance at Rio, he noticed that his precious muni-muni appeared troubled. Jan was filled with dread once more when he realized that the ghosts must still be tormenting the black lion. He would definitely protect Rio, as Rio had protected him.

"Have sex with him," said Long's voice in Jan's head. Jan still didn't really know what sex was, but he knew it involved their naked bodies mushing up against each other. That seemed like something really good friends could do to demonstrate how great their friendship was, and Rio and Jan had a magical friendship. For the sake of their friendship, Jan had to do something!

Jan let loose a ferocious battle cry and ran for Rio. This time, he was the one to slip, and it was on Rio's missing fur at that. A customer screamed at the fact that Jan was naked and sprawled over their table.

"This is inappropriate!" cried the customer and put their emptied cup over Jan's perpetually erect penis.

Rio noticed some activity involving a nude Jan out of the corner of his eye. He welcomed the momentary distraction from glaring daggers at Ken molesting his precious bacon with that greasy tongue of his. Rio walked over to Jan, but then he saw his fur on the floor.

"Jan, did you take my fur?" he inquired the dazed wild-man. The sight of the naked Jan was too much for Rio to handle. He was growing hard again.

Jan scratched his hair. "I accidentally threw it, but I only wanted to protect you."

Rio didn't understand the foreign sounds, but they held a sincere quality to them and Rio couldn't be angry if he tried. Instead, he picked up his fur and placed it over his shoulders with a flourish. It occurred to Rio that he still had his second fur to contend with. He looked back at Jan and thought it would probably be better if he covered the man up, so he placed his extra fur over his friend's man parts.

Jan looked up to him with confusion. He couldn't demonstrate their friendship if he wasn't naked! And he also had to think of a way to get Rio out of his clothes too. These problems were making Jan very irritated.

Rio did not notice Jan's frustrations because he looked so damn adorable wearing that fur. Rio would have savored that moment with him if Master Shafu had not shouted at him to get back to work.

"I will do as you say, but only after you change that picture on the wall, Shafu," Rio pointed to the derpy Employee of the Month picture of Dan.

"Why would I do that? Dan is Employee of the Month. He always has been and always will be," Master Shafu said.

"But he's DEAD!" exclaimed Rio.

"I fail to see your point," Master Shafu countered coolly.

Rio made an indiscernible animalistic sound. Everything he had ever done for this company was in vain. That cat would never let him achieve his goal, and he could never escape from Dan's shadow.

"I'm sorry, he's stuck," said the coroner from where he had propped Dan's body up at the door. The body blocked the sunlight and cast a large shadow of dead Dan over the Starbucks. Gou went over to help, thinking it was the least he could do.

Ken, who had eaten all the bacon wraps in the display case, walked over to Rio and Master Shafu. "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no problem," said Master Shafu. "I am going to play _Kitten Party_ with Dan, just as I always do."

Rio vomited all over Master Shafu. It was a shameful moment, but Rio took comfort in knowing it was even more shameful for Master Shafu. Even in death, Dan was Master Shafu's sex toy. Rio was the subordinate of a dead sex toy. Knowing this was more horrible than letting the whole world see his O-face.

Gou let go of Dan's body and immediately began cleaning Master Shafu up with his tongue, and Jan did the same for Rio's chin. Ken decided this was a good time to shimmy out and arrest the culprit.

"What do you mean you want me to pose topless?" Mele spat at a shark-like thing that had pulled her aside while she'd be searching the streets for her beloved's fur. She was standing outside a rather high-end art gallery that happened to be right across from Rio's workplace.

The artist shark pleaded with Mele. "Your breasticles are the inspiration for my painting!"

Suddenly, a pompous looking art critic came over and looked at the artist's painting. "This is shit," he said before taking it, ripping it, eating it, then throwing it up. The shark started crying so hard that he sprayed Mele with his tears.

"SHAKIIIIN!" he sobbed while running away, presumably to the nearest aquarium to drown himself, even though he could breathe in water.

"What a pitiful creature," Mele observed before the critic turned his attention to her.

"How dare you stand in the presence of the great Fukami Retsu wearing that?" he asked, eyeing Mele's qi-pao.

"What's wrong with it?" asked Mele while placing her hands on her hips.

"It's complete and utter shit. My cows back home make manure that looks more appealing than that rag." Retsu pointed his nose up in a haughty fashion.

Mele started to get misty-eyed, but she replaced the hurt with anger. No one was allowed to mock her sexy get-up. Rio had made it one spring when he'd taken up sewing, since so many people despaired in his class by constantly pricking their fingers.

"And are those cum stains? Talk about trashy," continued the art critic. He would've gone on except handcuffs were suddenly placed around his finely-gloved wrists.

"Fukami Retsu, you are under arrest for the theft of seventeen bacon egg wraps and one baby hamster named CoCo," Ken informed the confused art-critic. Mele's ears pricked at the mention of bacon. Was this the detective that Master Shafu had contacted to investigate?

"What is this fuckery?" demanded Retsu. "I will have you killed for this."

"Save it," Ken told him smugly as he began to lead the man away. Mele was relieved that Rio was no longer under suspicion, but she followed along to make sure.

Gou finished licking up the vomit from Master Shafu and met up with Ken in the back alley behind the Starbucks. "Shall I take him downtown, partner?" Gou asked Ken.

"I don't know who you are, but you look trustworthy so sure!" Ken approved.

"Unhand me!" Retsu cried as he was passed onto Gou.

"Retsu, my little brother," Gou began sadly. "I always feared you would turn to a life of crime." He grabbed Retsu and sobbed into a brotherly embrace.

"Let go of me! I'm not your brother, I say!" Retsu struggled in Gou's tight grip.

"Hush, it's okay now," Gou whispered into his younger brother's hair. "What you did is very serious, but I will do my best to make sure your sentence is less than fifty years."

Retsu's screams were lost into the metaphorical night as he was sedated and placed behind Gou on the detective's bicycle.

"I will continue the investigation at the Starbucks, thanks for taking care of the prisoner for me," Ken gave Gou a pat on the back.

"Why investigate if my brother is the culprit?" Gou asked. "Is there a chance my dear brother is innocent?"

"No, not at all," Ken laughed. "This is just standard procedure. Didn't you read the manual?"

"No, did you?" Gou was unaware of any detective's manual, he would need to look into that. He would go to the library after he finished his night shift at the orphanage, where he volunteered.

"No, I didn't read it either," Ken said as he waved goodbye. Gou peddled away and Ken returned to the coffee-shop.

Mele had overheard the entire conversation and ran in after Ken to warn Rio that an investigation was still being conducted. She considered confessing again, but she would probably just be ignored. Now, she needed to focus all efforts on protecting her beloved king of the jungle. And then he would reward her with sex, and all would be right in the world.

"Where were you on Christmas Eve 2008?" Ken asked the two lovers who were still on the floor making out. They did not respond to Ken, so he moved on.

Next he questioned a penguin and gazelle who were sitting at a table drinking caramel macchiatos. "What is your favorite sentai series?"

"Uhh, Engine Senta-?" the gazelle said honestly.

"WRONG ANSWER!" Ken slapped the gazelle and moved on. If everyone was going to continue to be difficult, Ken would have to switch to a more drastic form of interrogation.

Meanwhile, Mele found Rio at his post gripping the coffee grinder with unmeasured force. After the both of them had been licked spotless, Rio had attempted to pursue Master Shafu but the dumb cat had grabbed Dan's corpse and returned to his office to commit horrendous necrophiliac acts while perverting a popular children's video game.

"Rio-sama, Mele has something she needs to tell you," said Mele, stopping behind him and digging into the leather on his back.

"Shut-up, Mele," said Rio as he continued to brood. He vibrated with anger, and despite her urgency Mele pressed her clit against him to make the most of it. "That Shafu thinks he can get away with oppressing me," he grumbled while churning out the world's finest coffee. A part of him thought that this was the perfect reason to kill Master Shafu.

"But Rio-sama, the investigation is still on," Mele informed her husband. Rio watched Ken beat the shit out of that ape who had complained about the stupid hair in his stupid coffee. Rio could have done something to stop this injustice, but he did not make a move. He was the one who was suffering the most from all the mistakes made at this Starbucks.

But maybe that was it. Maybe Rio had to make a move in order to get the glory and power he deserved. Mele's words sunk in. He couldn't afford to kill Master Shafu with the investigation under way, but there was one thing that he could do.

Making up his mind for good, Rio grabbed his fur and threw it down one last time in that shit-hole of a coffee shop. Mele watched, astonished and blown away. Jan also watched from over his copy of How to Get Your Man Naked in 30 Minutes or Less by Rachel Ray. Rio turned and marched into Master Shafu's love dungeon.

He could not unsee what he saw Master Shafu doing to Dan's body. Words did not exist in any language, not even Jan's nonsense language, that could possibly describe it.

"I am quitting! I will open my own coffee shop and make the best coffee this world has ever tasted!" Rio proclaimed, slamming the door.

Master Shafu came all over Dan's dead face.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Rio stormed out of the coffee shop in grand style. Mele followed, but the door slammed in her face. She yelped in pain and scurried after her lover. Jan watched with sadness as his best friend abandoned him. Not knowing what to do with the feelings building up in his chest, he ran into the mens' room to seek solace and refuge for his overactive bladder.  
As they walked back to their apartment, Rio realized he had left his fur in the shop. He could not go back to get it now, that would make his dramatic exit lose all its meaning.

"Mele, go back and get my fur," Rio ordered. "I will be waiting for you in bed."

"Of course, Rio-sama~" Mele purred. She turned heel and ran back to Starbucks. Unfortunately when she got to Rio's workstation she saw to her chagrin that Ken had discovered the fur.

"This mantle smells oddly like bacon," Ken thought out loud. "The smell will distract me from my investigation!" He threw the mantle out an open window. Mele's eyes widened as she ran out the back door to the dumpster area. Planning to take a shower before Rio would enter her later, Mele dove into the large receptacle even though she could have just reached in. She searched and she searched, but she could not find the precious fur.

Mele was on the verge of giving up when she heard something buzzing in her ear.

"You look sexually frustrated, miss," said what looked like a fly wearing suspenders and a pair of glasses. "If you swallow me, I can attempt to masturbate you from the inside."

"No, thank you," Mele declined, horrified at the thought of having a foreign object other than her lip-stick vibrator inside of her. Plus, she'd overheard a couple of customers talking about how an employee had died earlier from having a wiimote up his ass.

At that moment she found Rio's fur, and not a moment too soon. Mele grabbed it, but she found that it was just as heavy as it had been before.

"Here, let me help with that," the fly said. It buzzed over to the fur and lifted it effortlessly. "My name is Bae, by the way. Pleased to make your acquaintance," it said politely.

Mele rolled her eyes to hide her pure, refined shock at seeing how strong the fly was. She wanted to get back to Rio as soon as possible, and if it meant having the strange fly help her, then she wasn't in a place to refuse. "I'm Mele," she said at last, hopping out of the dumpster. She began to walk back home and the fly followed, fur in tow.

When they finally made it to the apartment, Mele found Rio lying on their bed meditating. His eyes opened when he realized she was there. He stared at her with a lust that rivaled a thousand nymphomaniac bison. He had not looked at her with such intensity in a long time.

"Tomorrow is the first day of our new life," Rio declared, crawling over to his wife and tugging her down into his embrace. She lovingly put his fur back on his shoulders and he breathed in her scent as he pressed his face into her hair. She did not smell as pleasant as he had expected.

"Wait, I need to shower," Mele whined and she hurried to the bathroom. Rio grumbled and returned to his meditation, but then noticed Bae buzzing in his ear.

"Hello! You must be Rio-sama. My name is Bae, nice to meet you-" Bae greeted before Rio swatted him away. Frightened, Bae decided to hide under the bed. He wouldn't be able to see the action from down there, but he would be able to hear it just fine.

Mele returned from the shower, naked and dripping wet. Rio stood up and threw his fur, took his clothes off, but then his fur back on. Mele pressed her wet boobs against Rio's bare chest, making his chest wet. Mele took Rio's hand and placed it in the wetness between her legs, his finger became wet with her fluids. They went to the bed, and Mele's wet hair made the pillow wet. An unfinished cup of coffee that was sitting on their nightstand was knocked over, and the spill made the carpet wet. It started to rain outside, making the ground wet.

Rio tsked at the waste of coffee before proceeding to assault Mele's mouth with his own. He nipped ferociously at her lips and slid his tongue inside, all the while fondling his wife's voluptuous breasts. Mele moaned into the kiss as she threaded her fingers through Rio's long mane.

Bae burst forth from under the bed to have a closer look, gasping in wonder when he saw Rio straddling Mele. The fly couldn't suppress urge to narrate his voyeurism any longer.

"The two lovers have hit the bed with an innocent and childish display of affection, but hopefully, ladies and gentlemen, we'll see some triple X action soon!" the fly orated as he flew in just above Rio's ass.

As if on cue, Rio's mouth parted from Mele's leaving her gasping for air. The black lion began to trail kisses from the corner of her lips, to her ear, down her neck, until he came to a juicy spot to suckle on, teasing Mele.  
"What a tease!" Bae cried. "It appears that Rio-sama isn't one to jump right into the quick and dirty, but how will Mele respond? Will she let him bate her on?"

Rio made obscene sounds as he nibbled her neck, pulling on the skin almost violently. Mele threw her head back and to the side, crying with pleasure into the wet pillow.

"Rio...sa...ma," she moaned and Rio couldn't hide his cocky grin. He continued to kiss down her neck and toward her breasts, one of his hands sliding down to play with her wet pussy. When his mouth reached one of her round globes, he quickly attached his teeth around an erect nipple. The double assault on her body left Mele almost senseless. She arched her back and her abdomen rubbed against her beloved's hard length.

"And Mele has made contact!" Bae cheered. He lamented the fact that his arms weren't long enough for him to jerk off. He desperately needed to relieve himself, so he flew off to hump spackle.

Mele's blush deepened when she realized Rio's cock was pressing against her. It made her all the more excited to really get things going. She took one of her hands from Rio's hair and brought it to his shoulder where she traced it along his well-defined muscles until it reached his hand that had been slowly and deviously stroking her clit. She gave his palm a squeeze before lifting, her fingers curling around his shaft. Rio shuddered visibly at her touch, his mouth leaving her nipple as he exhaled sharply.

"Mele, wait," Rio gasped. "I want to give you pleasure first."

Rio kissed her belly as he moved down to the sweet place between her legs. It was soft and smooth, as she had just shaved. Mele shivered as he kissed her there, lightly at first, as if a butterfly were landing on her. Then he licked her, gently flickering his tongue right about her clitoris. He explored her sex, taking her lower lips into his mouth, tasting them and imagining they were bacon. Mele's moans of pleasure were music to him, encouraging him to keep going. He then entered her with his tongue, thrusting it in and out. When she was ready, he returned to her clitoris, enveloping it with his mouth and giving quick sucks. As her moans grew louder, Rio's tongue went faster. Mele shuddered as she began to climax.

"Rio!" Mele screamed in the moment of orgasm.

Rio climbed on top of her, now kissing her on the mouth. Mele was delighted in tasting her own essence on Rio's tongue.  
"I must confess something," Mele said breathlessly, looking deep into Rio's eyes. "The bacon I made for you yesterday...I did not prepare it myself. I stole it from Starbucks."

Rio appeared to be thinking deeply about her words. So Mele was a bacon thief, just like him. Perhaps this shared sin would bring them closer together, and it explained why Starbucks bacon tasted exactly the same as the bacon she had given him. Mele grew worried when Rio suddenly rose and pinned her down with his arms on either side of her head.  
"Atone for it," he said, his voice holding a surprising kindness. He brought a hand up to cup the side of her face. "And from now on, no more lies."

"Rio-sama?" Mele began but she was silenced when he kissed her again. When his mouth left hers and began to nibble at her ear, she gasped, "I want you inside me."

For once, Rio was obedient. When he'd explored her with his tongue, he'd been pleased to find that she was as tight as ever; he would need to prep her as usual. Still toying with the shell of her ear, Rio brought a hand down to her junction and danced his fingers around her entrance. Mele gasped when he started to insert a finger, then two into her moist cavern. He could sense Mele growing impatient..

"Skip the lube, Rio-sama," she choked between moans. She was already soaking wet for him. He was more than happy to oblige. After removing his fingers, he slid his eager cock inside his beloved. They were one person, man and wife, Rio and Mele. Somehow Rio had forgotten that.

As he thrust into her, slowly at first, the fur on his back began to fall off. Noticing this, Rio flug the fur off. As their lovemaking intensified, Mele grabbed Rio by the torso and spun him so she was then on top. Rio raised an eyebrow at her in amusement, he was not used to making love while lying on his back. Mele would make him like this, and he would know that she could take care of him. Her husband looked even more like a lion with his hair spread out on the pillow, and she was his lioness.

Mele mounted Rio with a devilish grin. Her own hair, mixed with the shower water and her own sweat, fell past her face as she gazed down at her husband with passion and fire. She continued the rhythm that Rio had set, rocking her lower body, riding him into bliss. Rio thrust upward to meet her undulations, and played with her nipple for good measure. As Mele did wonders with her hips, Rio wondered why they had never tried this position before. Their motions grew faster, more heated like the start of a supernova. Their bodies moved together, racing against time itself to reach nirvana.  
"Come for me... Kurojishi Rio...," Mele breathed, dropping the honorific for his ears only. Rio slid his hands from her breasts and dug his nails into her sides, feeling his orgasm build to its climax. "Come with me," Mele whispered as her own release cued up.

He came, filling her with his seed as waves of pleasure washed over her body. Rio's face involuntarily twisted into that ridiculous expression that he always made when he orgasmed, but Mele did not so much as chuckle at it. She loved every part of him unconditionally, including that precious O-face.

Rio heard that fly laughing uncontrollably, but he did not feel like getting up to take care of it. He would kill the thing in the morning, but now he only wanted to fall asleep beside his wife. Mele collapsed on top of her husband, and he wrapped his arms around her, keeping her close. The fly fortunately had enough tact to stop laughing after a while.  
"Rio-sama," Mele mumbled into his hair. Rio played with Mele's wet strands, curling them around his finger while she whispered "thank you" in his ear.

Rio managed a sincere smile, but unfortunately, Mele didn't see it. She had closed her eyes, already falling asleep. He rolled her over on her side so that he could hold her more comfortably. It was at times like this when he was truly glad to have married this woman.

Tomorrow would be the beginning of a new chapter in the both of their lives. He had the world to conquer with his coffee while consuming copious amounts of bacon...and he hoped that Mele would continue to support him on the way.  
Recalling that he hadn't had a good sleep the night before and the weariness catching up to him fast, Rio let his eyes close, the smile lingering on his lips as he dozed off.

Bae watched and picked up Rio's other fur, draping it over the couple.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Sadly, sadly the sun rose; it rose upon no sadder sight than two lovers who would soon be torn apart by their own mistakes.

Mele got up first to try to cook Rio bacon for real. She smiled to herself as she flipped the bacon in the frying pan, still glowing from that night's love making. Rio entered the kitchen just as she set a plate of bacon on the table next to a fresh pot of coffee.

Rio poured the coffee straight from the pot into his mouth, then turned to leave. "I do not have time for breakfast."  
"Not even bacon? Mele made it for Rio-sama special," Mele choked on her bitter disappointment.

Rio could not even be bothered to respond. He simply walked out the door without saying goodbye. Mele knew that he had a big day ahead of him, but that knowledge did not prevent her from breaking down in tears the moment the door slammed shut.

Back at Starbucks, Jan was making more bacon egg wraps and thinking of Rio. He placed the bacon and egg in the tortilla, scratched his butt crack, then rolled the tortilla and repeated the process for the next wrap. He hoped these wraps would not be stolen by ghosts as they had been two days before. At least Rio had escaped from Starbucks, so he was no longer in danger of the evil spirits that haunted the place.

Jan tripped over Gou as he went to put the wraps in the display case. Gou was walking around on all fours like a dog, cleaning the floor with his tongue and tears. He missed Rio almost as much as Jan did, and he was worried about how his baby brother was doing in jail. He prayed that Retsu would not get raped or beaten up in prison. When they were growing up, Gou had protected Retsu from the bullies and child molesters in the orphanage by allowing himself to be abused in his place. If Retsu was a criminal then he needed to face justice, but that did not ease the pain of Gou's broken heart.

After taking care of his wraps, Jan went to clean the tables. He tripped over the two samurai, who were still on the floor making out. Apparently they had become a permanent installation in the shop.

"How do you work this damn thing?" asked Miki, the new employee, who was fooling with the coffee machine. This lady was Rio's replacement, but she did not know the first thing about coffee. Jan tried to explain things to her, but of course she didn't understand him. She beat at the coffee machine with her fist.

"Hello, my name is Gou! Nice to meet you!" Gou greeted Miki, only just now noticing her. In truth she was a rather plain looking woman, but to Gou she was as beautiful as a princess.

"I'm Miki," she smiled shyly. "Do you know how to work the coffee machine?"

"Yes, I can help you!" Gou said, jumping to her aid.

"Miki, don't bother making coffee, the customers can take care of themselves," Master Shafu said, pushing Gou to the floor. "I need to see you in my office."

As Miki reluctantly followed Master Shafu into his evil lair, Jan wondered what Miki had to do to get this job. Legend told that she needed a job to support her illegitimate daughter, and she was willing to do whatever was necessary in order to get a paycheck.

Meanwhile, Rio marched down the street, filled with determination, his hair and fur blowing wildly in the wind. His first priority was to open his coffee shop and make it the best in the world. Only after this was accomplished could he return to thinking of Mele. It dawned on him that he had no idea where he was going. He could not simply walk into a coffee shop and declare himself the owner...or could he?

"I am now the owner of this coffee shop," Rio declared after walking into an independent coffee shop that reeked of hippies and weed.

"I'm down with that," said the child working at the register, who looked like a much younger version of Master Shafu's new sex kitten.

"Everyone get out," Rio ordered. The customers giggled and stumbled out of the shop. One young man with hair that went down to the floor tripped over a bean bag, falling on his face and breaking his lensless glasses. Rio realized that he needed to do some serious redecorating. The hippies had literally let it turn into a pigsty. There were pigs running around the place, smoking pot and drinking soy lattes.

After the hippies and their pigs had gone, Rio turned to Miki's child, who remained behind the register.

"Why are you still here? Get out," Rio commanded.

"But sir, I need this job in order to fund my drug habit," said Miki's child.

"I suppose you could stay on here, I will need someone to sweep floors and make bacon for me," said Rio.

"Thank you sir! I will work hard for you," said Miki's child.

"The first thing you can do is change the sign. This coffee shop will now be called RinJyuDen," Rio said, thinking that name sounded as powerful as his coffee.

While Rio put Miki's child to work, and Master Shafu taught Miki how to play Kitten Party, Jan sat beside Gou crying tears of loneliness.

"My best friend has deserted me, my brother is a felon, and the orphanage that I work for may be shut down soon. I give all the money I make to that orphanage, but it is not enough," Gou wept. Jan handed him a handkerchief.

"I grew up on my own in a jungle. I'm sure the orphans will be alright," Jan tried to encourage the poor man.

"I wish I could adopt them all, but I can't because somehow the government lost all records proving that I exist," said Gou.

"That sucks. Would it make you feel better if you knew that your brother did not actually steal the bacon egg wraps?" said Jan.

"But my partner Ken is convinced that it was Retsu, and I would trust that man with my life," said Gou, no longer sure what to believe.

"I believed it was Rio at first, but a blond man in the toilet told me they disappeared because Starbucks is haunted," Jan explained.

"Haunted, you say? So my brother is innocent! I must perform an exorcism to save my friend, after I inform my partner Ken that Retsu must be freed! Thank you, my friend!" Gou stood up and ran out the door.

It never occurred to Jan how strange it was that Gou was able to understand him. It did not matter anyway, because Jan knew Gou was merely a hallucination. He decided it was time to pay another visit to Long, to tell him how the ghost situation was working out.

Gou ran so fast to where Retsu was being held that he got there in less time it took for Jan to walk to the bathroom. He found Ken interrogating Retsu.

"Where is Coco the hamster?" Ken asked as he punched Retsu in the jaw.

"Stop! Retsu is innocent!" Gou cried, throwing himself over his brother's body to protect him.

"Who are you? Get out of my way!" Ken yelled.

"I'm your partner silly! My brother is innocent, so we can let him go," said Gou.

"I've never seen you before. Get off of me," Retsu spat.

"Brother..." Gou whimpered as a solitary tear ran down his face. Retsu pushed Gou off, and Ken proceeded to beat him up.

"What is my favorite color?" Ken asked.

"How the hell should I know? Blue?" Retsu guessed.

"Incorrect! My favorite color is chopper!" Ken shouted.

"Chopper is not a color, you retard!" Retsu yelled as Ken slapped his face repeatedly.

"Your ignorance further demonstrates your guilt!" Ken bashed Retsu's head against the wall.

"Stop it! I didn't steal any hamster or bacon wraps, I swear to God," Retsu cried.

"Swear to me!" Ken growled in a poor imitation of Christian Bale's Batman.

"I will prove your innocence, brother. I promise you," Gou said as he turned away and walked out.

Meanwhile, Jan sat over the toilet talking with his new friend Long, informing him of Dan's death and Rio's decision to quit. He also mentioned that he had discovered a new genre of film which he described as "bouncy naked people movies."

"So Rio is safe now! I don't have to do a naked attack on him anymore," Jan smiled.

"No, you must do that now more than ever. Rio must be possessed by the evil spirits," Long explained. His voice was solemn, but inside he was giggling at Jan's naivety.

"No, Rio left because Master Shafu was being mean," Jan argued.

"Do you think he would have abandoned you just because his boss is a cunt?" Long asked.

"He did not abandon me! He was only doing what he had to do to make his dreams come true. Nothing is more important than dreams!" Jan cried.

"Love is more important than dreams," Long whispered. "Sorry, but your buddy is possessed. Surely he would have taken you with him if he was able to think clearly. You need to fuck the demons out of him! You must perform a fucksercism!"

"You're right! They cannot do this to my best friend!" Jan stood up and tried to run out of the stall, but forgot that the door was closed and fell backwards, hitting his head on the toilet.

Long sighed, seeing that his new plaything was unconscious. He wished that he could climb out of the toilet to shave his name in Jan's pubic hair. Fortunately Long could not survive outside of the toilet bowl, so instead he practiced his backstroke. As Jan lay on the floor, he dreamed of Rio and how successful he would be with his new coffee shop once the ghost problem was solved and they were best friends again.

RinJyuDen, the greatest coffee shop in the world, was not as successful as Jan dreamed. Rio had not had a single customer since he had kicked all the hippies out that morning. This new shop was unrecognizable as the shop it had been a few hours before. Rio and Miki's child had cleaned it up, repainted, and swapped out the drug den style furniture for classy chairs and tables. Rio had wanted the new decor to be reminiscent of a medieval dungeon, but Miki's child warned him that might not bring in customers.

"Why is no one coming in, begging to taste the world's best coffee?" Rio slammed his fist down on the expensive new table, which had actually been stolen from a furniture store across the street.

"I don't know. Everything looks perfect," Miki's child shrugged.

Miki's child had insisted that they paint the walls neon pink. Rio was beginning to wonder if that was such a good idea to listen to her. Thank goodness he had put his foot down when she suggested they put a giant unicorn statue in the middle of the shop.

Rio pondered how Miki's child could be so silly and innocent when the girl pulled a joint out of her pocket.

"You smoke?" Miki's child offered Rio a hit.

"No. You should not do drugs," Rio scolded, snatching the joint away from her.

"Lame," Miki's child stuck her tongue out a Rio.

"Drugs make you lazy. You cannot win if you are lazy," Rio lectured the girl. "Now go make me bacon. I am your boss, you will obey me."

She did obey him, though not without grumbling. The bacon was not as tasty as the stuff he had at Starbucks. That worried Rio, since his coffee shop should have been better than Starbucks in every way. If only Jan could work for him instead of Master Shafu, perhaps then his bacon would be the best. He hated to admit it, but he needed someone to help him.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

Rio had returned to Mele late in the night. She would have been angry at him for waking her up from a wonderful sex dream about him, but instead she tried to make the sex dream become reality. Unfortunately, Rio was not up to it. Mele watched him as he slept, worrying that his day had not gone as well as he had hoped.

In the morning, Rio had left before Mele had even woken up. He did not even have his morning cup of coffee. This was all the proof Mele needed to know that something was wrong, and she was determined to help fix whatever it was.

Coincidentally, Mele found an ad for coffee advisors when she opened the newspaper. Mele had never even bothered to read the newspaper before this morning, it was as if fate had driven her to pick it up. The coffee advisors called themselves the "Three Kenma" and their phone number was 1-832-394-00255. Mele did not stop to question that there was one more digit in the number than there was supposed to be. She only worried that Rio, with his manly Pride, would be too prideful and manly to accept help.

While Mele made the call, Jan woke up on the floor of the Starbucks bathroom. He peeked into the toilet to see if Long was still there, but he only found a used tampon floating in the bowl. He must have been sleepwalking again, because he now found himself in the ladies' room. Maybe he dreamed that he was a woman who needed to pee. When he walked out of the stall, he found Miki brushing her teeth at the sink.

"The things I do for love," Miki said to herself. She had a terrible taste in her mouth after her _Kitten Party_ session with Master Shafu. She could only get through it by reminding herself of her daughter. Society might judge her for how she made her money, but she did favors for her boss solely out of love for her little girl. If only the child could stop spending so much of their money on marijuana and beer, things might actually get better for them.

Miki would have been proud to see her daughter that morning, sober and working hard making bacon for Rio.  
"It is better than yesterday, but you can still improve," Rio told Miki's child.

The girl made a face and returned to polishing the pennies in the cash register. Suddenly, the door opened. Rio jumped up. Could he finally have a customer?

Alas, it was only Mele. Rio had never been so disappointed to see his beautiful wife. Then he noticed that she was followed by three mythical creatures. Perhaps they were here to buy his coffee?

"Rio, these are the Three Kenma, I hired them to help you get your shop started!" Mele explained.

"I do not need help," Rio grumbled. In his heart he knew Mele was right, he did need help, but he would have to pretend to be against the idea so if something went wrong he could put all the blame on her.

"Please, just listen to their advice. All I want is for you to be happy and rich," Mele said, tearing up.

"You can start by flipping the sign around so it says 'open,'" the female Kenma commented.

"Fuck me in the armpit, did I really forget to do that?" Miki's child cursed.

"Do not swear, you little bitch," Rio fumed. It was Miki's child's fault for not turning the sign around, but he still should have thought to check that.

"See, Rio-sama? These people or whatever they are can help you," said Mele.

Rio grunted and looked away. He had such a brilliant mind that he would sometimes forget practical things. It might be helpful to have these Three Kenma to point out things that he failed to notice.

Meanwhile, Jan was back to work, disassembling the bacon egg wraps and then putting them back together because he was bored. Gou was sitting in the corner, crying over his brother who did not remember him. Miki was back in Master Shafu's office, and it didn't seem like she would be released anytime soon. The samurai boys were still making out on the floor. Jan wondered if they ever stopped to eat or take bathroom breaks, then realized that he was hungry as well. He ate one of his own bacon egg wraps, but it reminded him of Rio. He suddenly felt so emotional that he threw up.

"I will clean that up for you," Gou said, patting Jan on the back.

Jan was terribly worried about Rio. He needed to perform a fucksercism on his friend, but he had no idea where to find him. If anyone knew where to find Rio, it was Master Shafu. Even Jan could see that the cat was a pervert, but Jan felt some strange connection to him.

He opened the door to Master Shafu's office. What he saw reminded him of the videos he had been watching. That explained why Master Shafu was always making odd noises in his office, Miki was helping him keep the ghosts from possessing him. Miki was truly a good employee, even if she was ignorant about coffee. She had her mouth over Master Shafu's private areas while he played _Kitten Party_ on the wii. Jan decided that he should find a fun video game for Rio to play while he did those things with his tongue he had been learning about.

"Where is Rio?" Jan asked.

Master Shafu was horrified that Jan caught him in this situation. If it had been anyone

else he would have continued playing _Kitten Party_ without acknowledging the intrusion, but this was Jan. Dan had decided never to teach his son about sex, and now Master Shafu had betrayed Dan's wish. He reflected on his shameful deed for a moment, then decided that he did not care.

"Damn it, you made me lose my winning streak!" Master Shafu threw the wiimote at the door to his closet, causing the door to open a crack. Miki backed away from him in fear.

Jan caught a whiff of a nasty scent originating from the closet. He retched and put his hand over his nose and mouth.

"It stinks because your father's body is in the closet. When the coroner tried to take him away, I told him to shove it," said Master Shafu. That was an ironic threat, considering how Dan died.

Jan rushed to the closet and opened it all the way. There, he found Dan's naked corpse, along with a few other unidentifiable cadavers.

"Dan was my father? My father is dead?" Jan realized in anguish, punching a hole through the wall. This was not new information to him, but before now it had not seemed important so he had forgotten about it. He knew he had a terrible memory, since he had many false recollections of interacting with the hallucination who called himself Gou.

Miki tried to take control of Jan, but this angered Master Shafu further.

"It is not your place to curb Jan," Master Shafu scolded Miki. "Go into the closet until I say you can come out."

Miki obeyed, though there was hardly any room left in the closet with all the dead people stuffed in there. Unfortunately for the poor mother, Master Shafu's memory was as bad as Jan's. Ten seconds later he started wondering where Miki had gone when she should have been attending to his needs. He would just have to return to playing _Kitten Party_ solo.

Jan continued to punch holes through the wall. His father's ugly face faded in his mind, and his thoughts drifted to Rio. His muni-muni was still in danger! He could grieve for Dan later, or preferably just forget about him again.

"Where is Rio?" Jan asked Master Shafu for the second time, though his question was no more comprehensible than it had been before.

Master Shafu shot Jan a dirty look, still playing his game. Jan was so frustrated that he got up and unplugged the wii console, but Master Shafu continued to stroke his wiimote.

"Hodor!" Jan shouted. He realized he would have to humiliate himself before he could get the info he needed. He would have to play charades.

Jan held up five fingers in front of Master Shafu's face. He intended to hold up three, but he miscounted. Master Shafu did not understand what Jan was doing. It would be difficult to say who was the more idiotic of the two. Their brains were so similar in intellectual capability, one might suspect that they were related. It was known that Dan was Jan's father, but no one knew who was his mother. If Master Shafu had been his mother he probably would not remember it, just as he had forgotten that his father was part seahorse and had passed his ability to carry children on to his son. Swatting Jan away, Master Shafu returned to his quirky activity.

Jan tried to facepalm, which was something he had seen Long do, but instead he punched himself in the face and knocked himself out.

Meanwhile, Rio was being trained by the first Kenma, Kata, also known as Air Kenma. Rio performed a successful facepalm when the Kenma explained their elemental nicknames and Miki's child stated her desire to be a Fire Kenma, since they were missing that element.

"You must forget the technique you have learned, and use your hatred instead," the Air Kenma instructed his pupil. "When you make coffee, think of something that makes you burn with rage."

It would have been easy for Rio to think of Master Shafu and Dan, but instead Rio had a flashback to a dark moment in his childhood. In his mind, his childhood looked like a black and white film, and it was always stormy. When he was a boy, he made a pot of coffee for his family every morning. One day, as he poured the coffee into his father's mug, he accidentally spilled the hot liquid on himself, his dad, and their new tablecloth. The tablecloth was ruined and his father died from sixth degree burns, but this tragic event inspired Rio to work harder at perfecting his skills as a barista. The hatred he felt remembering how his failure led to the staining of such a nice tablecloth made him more determined to make the best coffee.

Rio set to work making a macchiato, partially so he could show Miki's child that the caramel macchiatos at Starbucks were not real macchiatos. Rageku, the Water Kenma, watched over Rio's shoulder as he ground the espresso beans. She snapped her fingers at Mele, commanding her to join in.

"Envy is key," said the Water Kenma. "You must compete and bring each other down in order to claw your way to the top."

"I will destroy Master Shafu," Rio glared.

"Mrs. Rio does not know nearly as much about coffee as her lord husband," said Mele.

"Your husband underestimates you. You have talent," Rageku told Mele. Rio was not sure he liked how this one was talking to his wife. He allowed Mele to make a macchiato, but he was confident that it would not compare to his.

As they made their drink, Mele attempted to brush up against Rio several time. His body hungered for Mele, but Rio could not allow himself to give in. He pretended not to notice Mele so his coffee making ritual was not interrupted. The espresso fill his cup, reminding him of sex because most things about coffee reminded him of sex. With Mele there, it was almost too much to handle. He found himself growing hard in spite of himself, so he forced himself to think of Master Shafu's face. That was an instant de-boner, but also made him feel nauseous.

His sickness increased when he saw what Mele had made. Her macchiato was not even a real macchiato, it was just like the fake crap Starbucks served. Rio knew his creation was objectively better. The taste tester disagreed, as she set Rio's drink aside in favor of Mele's abomination.

"Too bitter. I like the one that is 90% sugary syrup," Miki's child declared. She was the only other person in the shop besides Rio and Mele, so the Kenma had made her the judge.

The Kenma smiled, seeing their plan had worked. Rio was fuming with hatred and envy.

"You are useless. Teach me how to make the best latte, or get out of my shop," the fierce black lion growled through his teeth.

Maku, the Kenma of Earth (pronounced ass), stepped forward dramatically. He and Rio stared at each other for 3 minutes and 55 seconds, which was exactly enough time for Miki's child to listen to Love Heaven by D-Date on her pink ipod. Miki's child saw that moment with a different sort of intensity than Rio did, as she was imagining Rio singing the song to Maku.

"In order to make the best latte, you must combine the three elements," the Earth Kenma instructed.

"There are four elements," Miki's child corrected.

"The true essence of a latte is a combination of earth, wind, and water. That is what you must begin with when you set out on your journey to make an espresso drink," said Maku.

"You speak in riddles. How does that help me?" Rio stared at his fist, because if he looked at those stupid Kenma for another second his eyes might shoot flames again.

"It is no riddle. I am telling you to literally use earth, wind, and water in your coffee," the Earth Kenma laughed.

Rio raised an eyebrow, intrigued. Mele raised an eyebrow as well, trying to mirror Rio, but she her face got stuck that way.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

So Rio actually made a latte out of earth, wind, and water. He did this by putting dirt in the espresso machine instead of ground espresso, powered the machine with wind power, and used water from a nearby stream instead of tap water. He questioned how it could be a latte without milk and espresso, but put that thought aside as he gazed upon the finished product.

Rio was about to try to latte himself, when the giant shark artist walked into the shop.

"Ooooh, what is that? I would like one of those, please!" the shark said excitedly.

Rio was so pleased to have a customer that he handed the latte to the shark, only charging half of what a Starbucks latte would cost. Soon he would be able to sell lattes that were triple the price of a Starbucks drink. Rio was taking his first step towards conquering the world of coffee!

Or so he thought, until the shark spit the drink out and started sobbing about its disgusting flavor. Rio's spirit was broken as he watched the shark run out of the shop.

"Are my ambitions a game to you?" Rio asked the Kenma.

"Perhaps the shark's taste is so unrefined he could not recognize a good latte when he tasted it?" Mele said, trying to encourage her wounded lion.

"It doesn't matter. He will tell Master Shafu of my failure, and my enemies at Starbucks will laugh at me," Rio clenched his fist. Without pausing to stare at it dramatically, he brought his fist down on the cash register. Paper bills erupted forth and flew around the shop like feathers in an ethereal display that had absolutely no fucking meaning.

Rageku grabbed a handful of the bills and absorbed it into her jellyfish cleavage. "That's hardly something to be concerned over when you have yet to master coffee-making the Kenma way-trade mark."

"Whoa-whoa!" Kata cried in surprise. "We got that shit trademarked? When was this?"

"Switzerland 1928," Rageku answered before continuing when Rio grew even more frustrated with the ADHD Kenma. "What I mean, Rio, is that you still have a long ways to go."

"But I used the ingredients as you instructed!" Rio argued.

Kata reached for the rejected latte and sipped it thoughtfully. "Where is the fart?"

"Excuse me?" Rio flummoxed.

"Fart. Flatulence, whatever you call it. The air element is missing entirely from this."

"I used wind power," Rio answered him. He pointed to a rather impressive home-made windmill created from Miki's child's stash of marijuana leaves stationed nearby.

"Legality aside, you need to use the essence of wind as an actual ingredient," Kata advised the black lion.

"And you should also have used water from the sea, not this fresh water bullshit from a stream," said Rageku.

"I am not going to fart into my coffee," Rio seethed. "I can't even begin to fathom such a degrading suggestion."

Kata crossed his arms. "Then you have much to learn."

"What about all that crap you said about using my hatred? Were those lies?"

"Pretty much," said Rageku.

Rio was completely exasperated at this point. Obviously these Kenma weren't to be trusted. He looked over at Mele who was still trying to perfect her own coffee making. As patronized as he felt watching her, he also felt proud and rather touched that she was trying her best. He caught himself off guard once more by how genuinely happy he felt for his wife; this simple but pure emotion helped to keep his anxieties at bay. After all, it was Mele who had called on the help of these Kenma. Surely they had something to offer him, even if he had to deep dig or dig deep or DP within himself to find it.

"Okay, try this!" Mele said suddenly after finishing her brew. She skipped over to Miki's child who looked higher than a kite. Apparently she had snuck out to smoke while Rio had made his shameful Kenma latte.

"Maaaaan," drawled the teenager after chugging the whole thing despite the temperature. "This shit is soooooo fucking amazing... So amazing... zing-zing... zing. That's onomotopeia."

Mele took the baseless compliment. Her celebration however was cut short when she felt Rio's glare. She turned to her husband and her heart dropped at the array of different emotions tugging at his handsome features.

"Shit, cramps...," Miki's child cried before running to find some medicine in the sink.

"Will you take our advice or not?" Maku finally asked. He was a Kenma of few words and master of keeping it classy. He almost balanced out the other two, who were trashy as hell and unbearably annoying.

Rio looked away from Mele and targeted his glare at the Earth Kenma. "It appears I have no choice."

But there was one problem: while the average person passes gas around fourteen times a day, Rio hadn't farted in over one hundred years.

Meanwhile, just as Rio had predicted, the artist shark had run to Starbucks.

"Welcome!" Gou sobbed and greeted, still upset over how he was going to prove his younger brother's innocence. He saw the shark's tears and immediately went over to comfort the patron. "There, there, pumpkin-pie. Tell Gou what's wrong," he consoled the animal.

"I...I drank the...the worst la...la...la" The shark could not finish. The coffee drink he had tasted was so incredibly foul that he could sell his own mother to a pimp if it could pay for electric shock therapy to erase his mind of the memory. He took consolation in the fact that coffee couldn't possibly get any worse than that.

Rio did not look happy as he unbuckled his pants and prepared to aim his rear end at the latte cup, which was already filled with the proper amount of dirt and sea water.

"Rio-sama~" Mele helped her husband get situated but he only waved her off, just as he'd declined her suggestion to use her mighty wind power instead. As powerful as she might be, his Pride kept him from receiving any more assistance than he already was getting.

Mele was also worried because she knew of her husband's rather peculiar condition. Due to his inability to pass gas, they had been unable to eat at Thai and Indian restaurants where spicy food was served, and the mere mention of Mexican food would drive Rio up the wall. Being unable to fart, Rio's intestines and appendix might have exploded.

"The wait begins," Rio said wryly, slipping into a meditative state where he hoped the answer of how to fart would lie.

Jan woke up on the floor of the womens' restroom again. He had a vague memory of his dream in which he was a female direwolf that needed to pee. As his reoccurring dreams continued to reoccur, Jan grew more perplexed. What did it all mean?

He got up and messed up his hair, suddenly overcome with immense feelings of ujan-ujan. As images of his dreams faded into the likeness of Rio (as all of his mental images did), Jan became frustrated that he could not find his best friend, a man for whom he had come to slowly develop feelings that transcended just caring.

He screamed and ran out of the restroom, past Gou who held the still-sobbing shark. He tripped over the gay samurai and fell flat on his face. He wasn't knocked out, but decided that if he stayed down perhaps Rio would come to help him up. Until his knight in shining black and gold armor came to save him, Jan would just nap on the floor.

"If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine," Gou told the artist.

The shark sniffed. "I think I'm okay now, but that Rio-guy really needs to-"  
Gou was on full alert now. "Did you say Rio? As in that beautiful sexy man-lion that I call my best friend, my brother from another mother, the Brutus to my Caesar?"

"Didn't Brutus betray Caesar?" the shark asked.

Gou laughed. "Rio would never betray me. Not in a million years! I can't even imagine a situation where he would become so obsessed with power and strength that he'd kill our martial arts master and comrade, forcing me to become a wolf-man via forbidden ShiGeki to stop him." Gou laughed some more. "Completely absurd, I say!"

The shark was touched by the beautiful yet oddly specific scenario. It inspired him to draw, so he flipped onto his back and used his dorsal fin to carve a portrait into the floor of Starbucks. He could only think to draw Rio, mostly to relieve his stress at consuming the world's most wretched beverage known man and fish alike.

He finished the piece in about an hour and forty-five minutes with fifteen minutes to spare. So he gave his completed work a good look and cried over how bad his skills were. His portrait of Rio looked more like Data from the Prince of Tennis musicals. That ugly, spiky nonsense of a hair-style looked nothing like Rio's regal mane.

Gou, however, could recognize his bestie anywhere. "That's Rio! So you did see him!" He grabbed the shark in desperation. "Please, you must tell me where you saw him!"

The shark, wanting to redeem himself, drew Gou an overly-complicated map that required the use of Gou's frequent flier mile. Somehow he'd racked up tons from surfing the web and googling himself to which the results were nonexistent.

Gou hopped on the next flight to Seattle.

Rio hopped up when he felt the ring of muscles that comprised his asshole tickle. He would've felt accomplished except that the sensation wasn't a fart, but his fur gently caressing his entrance.

"Rio-sama, maybe if you took off your-"

"Shut-up, Mele."

"Yes, Rio-sama."

Mele began to sulk. It'd been some time since Rio had sat down to meditate and prepare the grandest fart since the dawn of mankind. A few customers had come to the shop since then, but without the only barista, there was no coffee to be made much less served. This, of course, was completely ignoring the fact that said customers had only wanted to use their bathroom.

Not really knowing why, Mele walked over to the employee lounge. There, she overheard something strange.

"That poor child!" said the voice of Rageku. "Are you sure we aren't taking things too far by playing with him like this?"

Someone laughed-Kata. "I'm not playing with him at all. He was the one that assumed that he himself had to fart into the coffee. If only he had stuck around for me to tell him that only my flatulence is adequate, he would not be making a fool of himself like this."

"But he is paying us," Rageku reminded the Air Kenma.

"What would you have me do, tell him the truth and ruin the joke? It's even funnier considering that he can't fart at all!"

Mele gasped. Her husband was suffering while these cruel beings were sitting around enjoying it! She barged in. "You there!" she yelled, pointing at one of them. She wasn't sure who was who.

Maku cracked an eye open. "Me?"

"Hand over your bodily gas to Rio-sama now!" she demanded.

"Oh?" Maku said, amused. "Would he like a sample of my urine as well? I've heard it tastes like mint with a side of kimchi."

Mele scrunched up her nose. "No, just your flatulence will be enough."

Maku laughed and went back to sleep.

"Hey, I'm talking to you!" Mele snapped, grabbing one of Miki's child's empty bottles of beer and throwing it at the Kenma. The other two gasped. Kata farted out of sheer anxiety. Mele suddenly realized the one she had assaulted was not the Air Kenma. She shrunk a bit in fear.

Maku opened his eyes again. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Nothing!" she hissed, grabbing the actual Air Kenma and running out. "Rio-sama!"

Rio looked up from his meditating just as Kata was thrust in his face.

"They lied to you, Rio-sama," Mele informed him. "Only Kata's gas can be used to make the Kenma latte."

Rio looked absolutely pissed. He glared at Kata. "Is this true?"

Kata quivered, peeing himself. "Maybe?"

A dark purple flame erupted around Rio. While he hadn't been able to deduce what he had wanted to in his trance, mediating had allowed Rio to level up from simply shooting flames out of his eyes to conjuring up one that surrounded him. The flames were simply too intimidating for Kata to handle, and so he farted once more-this time into the latte that Mele had strategically placed under him. The fart's power caused the sea water to froth somehow. The latte was ready to be served.

Meanwhile, the shark looked up from the floor of Starbucks as an eerie feeling came over him. His worst fears were about to come to pass. He could sense it in the wind, even though he was inside. He worried he would not have enough tears to see him through the darkest hour that was yet to come.

"I must prepare for the end of days," said the shark to himself. He walked past the lip-locked samurai and out the door. He envied those boys in their naivete, for they had not tasted anything besides the other's tongue in the eternity that had been the last few days.

Gou stood outside the new coffee shop that Rio had acquired. He had arrived in a significantly shorter time than it would have taken him had he followed the shark's map. Fortunately (and unfortunately) for Gou, he'd been kicked off the Seattle-bound flight after it had been determined that there was no record of him having been come on board. His frequent flier miles were real, but because everyone thought he wasn't, they couldn't be used.

Nevertheless, there he was, come to take Rio back, exorcise his demons and restore Starbucks to its former glory, and he knew just the way to do it. Guitar in tow, Gou entered the establishment along with a group of firefighters.

Mele watched as the firefighters she'd called rushed in and took care of the damage that Rio's latte had caused. Ancient-alien theorists would later describe the event as the wrath of an extraterrestrial god.

Rio had locked himself in the employee lounge, ostensibly to meditate, but the screams of pain coming from Rageku and Kata seemed to indicate otherwise. Maku had left earlier for a mud bath and avoided the entire ordeal completely. Miki's child hid behind the counter stuffing her face with the last of the vegan muffins. This left Mele to worry and worry some more over what was to happen next. She knew in her heart that her husband had the talent and ability and manliness to make the ultimate latte, but it hurt her so to see Rio fail. There had to be something missing.

Resolving to find a solution no matter what, Mele left the partially-scorched building. She bumped into a "stranger" on the way out.

"Hi again, Mrs. Rio!" Gou greeted. Mele gave him that look he knew so well, like she'd never seen him before in her life. Then she continued on her way. "Alright, see you later!" Gou called after her, but she didn't hear him.

Mele swallowed hard, afraid of what she had to do. She would go to Starbucks and steal more of their bacon, even if it might cost her her life. Then she would uncover Starbucks trade secrets and kill Master Shafu to remove competition or something, that part was less important.


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Rio emerged from the employee lounge, leaving the two annoying Kenma maimed but still alive. Feeling better, he took in the sight of his coffee shop. The fire had greatly improved it, he decided. He stood there like a badass while the firefighters put of the last of the flames. After they had gone, Rio celebrated his victory by taking a sip of his latte.

For a moment, Rio feared that his life would end. The knowledge that he had created this abomination was only slightly less horrible than the taste of the latte itself. It tasted like being raped by Master Shafu, but worse. There was no way that something this nasty could not be lethal, Rio concluded, strangely calm. He hoped that he would not shit his pants or make a weird face when he died. He closed his eyes and thought of Mele and Jan, trying to forget the wretched taste in his mouth while he waited for death to take him.

"Hey buddy, I'm so happy to see you!" Gou said, embracing Rio.

"Get me water," Rio whispered to this unknown person, who must have been a schizophrenic homeless man.

Gou did as Rio bid. Rio swished a bit of the water around in his mouth and spit it out on Gou's face.

"Did you make that?" Gou asked about the latte.

Rio looked down, unable to answer out of shame.

"Mind if I try it?" Gou requested, taking the latte from Rio.

Rio tried to stop him. He would not wish that latte on his worst enemy. Actually, he totally would, poisoning Master Shafu with it wasn't a bad idea. However, this poor bum was innocent, he did not deserve to let this cursed beverage harm his taste buds.

Unfortunately Rio's entire body was in so much pain that he could not move, and he could do nothing to prevent Gou from taking a gulp of the latte.

"Good latte, my friend," Gou said, faking a smile. "Excuse me one moment."

Gou ran to the bathroom and threw up, then returned to Rio. Rio had never made such a disgusting latte before, so Gou took it as proof that Rio was indeed possessed by demons. He would soon fix that and bring his best friend back.

"I wrote a song for you," he said, strumming his guitar and beginning to sing in a strangely high pitched voice that sounded like Eric Cartman in South Park.

_All the best memories I have are of my time with you, my friend._

_I hope our friendship never comes to an end._

_Oooooooohhhhhhh my friend, my friend_

_Remember the time we got lost in the woods because your Pride prevented you from looking at a map so we wandered around in the dark for five hours until the sun came up and we finally found our way back to civilization before a bear could eat your fur._

_You are a hero and inspiration to me, my friend._

_A thousand kisses of friendship to you I would send._

_Remember the time we marathoned the Super Sentai Series together and I went to the bathroom and when I came back you had changed the channel so we watched a nature documentary about lions mating until I fell asleep on your shoulder and when I woke up you were gone._

_I believe our friendship will last a lifetime, my friend._

_Your sorrows I will forever seek to mend._

_Remember the time I was in a Broadway musical and I got you a free ticket and you forgot to show up but it didn't really matter because they had my understudy take my place even though I was there and had all my lines memorized and dance moves perfected._

_I would give my life for you, my friend._

_It is cute how we always play pretend._

_Remember the time when there was a bank holdup so I busted out some moves to save you but it turned out you were the one robbing the bank so I took the blame and went to prison for a while until they thought that I wasn't supposed to be there so they kicked me out._

_I secretly sniff your fur when you walk by, my friend._

_Your fur is so sexy it should become a trend._

_Remember the time we went to Six Flags and I threw up on the roller coaster so you went on the rest of the rides without me and then left the park and drove home even though we took my car there together so I had to call my brother to come pick me up but he thought I was a telemarketer so he hung up and I had to walk home._

_I think of you when I wake up in the morning, my friend._

_I would be your lover if ever that way I bend._

_Remember the time I took care of your fur and got mugged going home and the fur was taken and I had to risk my life to get it back for you and then I got it dry cleaned which was more expensive than I thought it would be._

_I will never forget you, my friend._

_Ooooooooooohhhhhhhh my friend, my friend, my best frieeeeeeeeeeeeeend._

_These are the most precious moments of my life, my friend._

_I hope we share these memories forever, my best friend._

_Friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend friend!_

During Gou's song Rio had brewed a fresh pot of real coffee and had phone sex with Mele, even though she was walking down the street on her way to Starbucks. Rio realized he had the tune of the friendship song stuck in his head, and wondered where he had heard it. The tune reminded him of friendship and made his emotions rage within him. Or perhaps that was just the effect the forbidden latte had on how stomach.

He then noticed the buff shirtless man standing before him with a guitar.

"Did you enjoy my song, my friend?" Gou grinned, proud of himself for being able to sing that whole thing without losing his voice.

"Go away," Rio ordered, confused by this man's delusions.

A tear ran down Gou's cheek. For some reason Rio felt sad seeing this man cry, as if he had some kind of connection to him…but that was impossible. Rio watched as Gou walked out of the shop. Something prompted Rio to follow him, to stop the clearly insane man from potentially hurting himself from his apparent depression.

"Rio, do you recall the magic of our friendship?" Gou asked.

Rio had forgotten why he followed the man, so instead of comforting him he punched him in the stomach and returned to his work. Gou mistook this as a sign of affection, as he had seen a few American films where men punched each other to express their undying love. He walked away happily, though in some pain, believing that Rio was back to his old self and their friendship would soon blossom into a million flowers of friendship and magic.

Meanwhile, Mele made it to Starbucks after that nice session of phone sex she had with Rio on her way there. She was shocked by how disheveled the place had become. There was no barista since Rio's replacement was currently trapped in a closet with dead bodies, so customers had to make their own coffee and did not have to pay for it. Jan was still asleep on the floor, and there were many coffee spills that needed to be cleaned.

The samurai had FINALLY gotten past first base and were now making love on the floor. Takeru used the caramel flavored syrup as lubricant before penetrating his beloved Ryuunosuke with his flesh katana. This sight made Mele extremely aroused, so she decided to run into the bathroom to pleasure herself. She could steal the bacon after that, it would be easier than she predicted since no one manned the shop.

She entered the men's bathroom, as she found the idea of masturbating in there strangely erotic. She sat down on the toilet and did her thing, but right before she climaxed she heard the giggle of an annoying blond creature. Somehow she could tell that this thing was blond just from its laugh. She leapt off the toilet and found Long swimming in the bowl.

"Thanks for the show," Long chuckled.

Mele turned bright red, but her embarrassment was immediately replaced by her frustration at not being able to finish. She moved to flush this blond little shit.

"Wait! I know how you can help Rio!" Long yelled. This declaration surprised Mele and stayed her hand. She would hear him out before sending him to the sewers.

"How do you know about Rio?" Mele questioned.

"I know everything about everything," Long bragged.

"Are you the zombie of the goldfish I flushed when I was a kid?" Mele asked. That goldfish had still been alive, but she had gotten tired of feeding it so she killed it. She always feared that it would come back to haunt her.

"Yes, and I will never forgive you for murdering me," said Long.

"I will kill you again if you do not tell me what you know about Rio," Mele threatened.

"I can tell you the secret to making the best coffee," Long promised.

"The Three Kenma said they knew the secret to the best coffee, but they lied," Mele said. Rio had not mentioned his shameful Kenma latte to Mele when they had phone sex, but she could tell something was wrong by the sound of his voice. She could always sense when her soulmate was in pain, and he had seemed to be in terrible pain that only could have been caused by the taste of horrible coffee mixed with a blow to his Pride.

"Those Kenma are hacks. I really do know how to make the best coffee," Long said.

"So stop wasting my time and tell me," Mele ordered.

"Oh, I will tell you, but you must do something for me first," Long teased. "You must take Jan into your bed so he will have sex with Rio."

"How dare you suggest such a thing? Rio and I are in a monogamous relationship!" Mele yelled, outraged but also turned on.

"I won't help you unless you do this," Long grinned.

"I do not need your help," Mele slammed the toilet seat down and stormed out of the stall. She did not want to see Rio have gay sex with Jan, but also she did, but she didn't, but she totally did, but she didn't. Though even if she did, she had no idea how to make it happen. The only thought that saved her from despair was the beautiful image of the samurai making love. Perhaps Rio would enjoy being intimate with Jan. He did seem to care for the boy, so Mele might not have to force him to do anything against his will. Yet if Rio ever discovered that Mele used his feelings for Jan so she could get information to help his coffee, his Pride would be damaged beyond repair. It was hard enough getting him to accept help from the Kenma, a plot of this magnitude would be too much for him to bear.

If Mele did as Long asked, it would be as if she were allowing Long to have complete control over Rio's life and actions. Long's life in the toilet was so boring, Mele wondered if he only wanted to use Rio's ambitions for his own entertainment. If Long really did want to use Rio like that and Rio found out about it, it would take great compassion for Rio to forgive Mele for letting it happen.

Though she still wasn't sure if she could trust Long, Mele knew she had to help her husband somehow. However, it might be difficult to introduce the subject of Rio hooking up with Jan. Even if she succeeded in seeing them in bed together, the consequences of the act were impossible to predict. Filled with doubt, Mele would need to meditate on this. She sat down on the floor of Starbucks, next to the samurai who were still going at it, and meditated. She had watched Rio do it a thousand times, how hard could it be?

Meanwhile at RinJyuDen, Rio had literally kicked the Water and Air Kenma out of his shop. The Earth Kenma had returned, and Rio allowed him to stay since he seemed more competent than his counterparts. Maku agreed that the charred furniture added to the shop's overall appearance, and his good taste made Rio more inclined to trust him. Rio set himself to making a latte, a real one that would fully wash that ungodly taste out of his mouth, when Miki's child came out of the bathroom and tugged on Rio's fur.

"Boss, I started my period," Miki's child whispered.

Rio could not comprehend why this girl would come to him with this problem. It was strangely touching that she trusted him with this, perhaps she had come to think of him as a father figure after their two days of working together, but Rio did not have time to discuss this feminine problem. If Mele was here she would have been able to help the freshly flowered girl, but at the moment the only other person who could deal with this was Maku.

"Talk to Maku about it," Rio instructed.

"But that's so awkward…" Miki's child whined.

"I must focus on my coffee," said Rio, angry that the girl did not realize how incredibly awkward the situation already was for him.

Miki's child reluctantly went to the Earth Kenma. Her mother had never had time to talk to her about periods, she spent all day and night working to support them. Or maybe Miki had told her all about it and Miki's child just didn't pay attention, as she never paid attention to her mother. Recently Miki's child had even begun sleeping at Rio's coffee shop.

"So dude, I got my period. What do I do?" Miki's child asked Maku.

"You need to plug up your hole so you'll stop bleeding. A wiimote should do the trick," Maku said, laughing maniacally in his head.

"Oh, thanks," said Miki's child, going into the lounge to find a wiimote. Rio had a gold plated wiimote in the employee lounge. He said that he had fond memories related to those game controllers. The wiimote reminded him of his enemy's humiliating defeat, though Miki's child did not understand why.

While walking back to Starbucks, Gou sensed that Miki's child was in grave danger and sprinted back to RinJyuDen. He was there in three seconds.

"No! You have so much to live for!" Gou yelled as Miki's child took the wiimote off the wall and unbuttoned her pants.

"Give a girl some privacy!" Miki's child shouted.

"A dear friend of mine died because he put a wiimote in a place it did not belong. He must not have read the instructions," Gou reflected sadly.

"Are you saying I shouldn't be putting this wiimote up my vagina?" Miki's child asked.

"That is right. I will help you pick out pads or tampons," Gou offered. "What is your name, child?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhh…" Miki's child could not remember her own name. "People just call me Miki's child."

"Miki? I know Miki! She works at Starbucks with me," Gou grinned.

Gou took Miki's child to a drug store to buy pads while going on about how great Rio was. At one point Miki's child got lost in the drug store and when Gou found her she thought he was a stranger trying to kidnap her, but then he bought her a pound of Jolly Ranchers and she trusted him again.

After that was done, Gou made his way back to Starbucks. Nothing could prepare him for what he would find.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

Since he ran, Gou was able to make it to Starbucks in eight seconds. He found the shop in complete chaos. The two Kenma Rio had recently removed from his shop had come there and peed in the coffee pots. Gou did not have the heart to force them out into the cold, as the sky had been dark and threatening ever since Rio made that Kenma latte, so he simply scolded them. Gou felt sorry for them because they looked badly beaten up. Rageku even had her arm torn out of its socket and she was carrying it around with her. Out of pity, Gou offered them free scones.

The rest of the shop was in a bad state, so Gou got to work cleaning it up, taking care not to disturb anyone. The samurai were sleeping on the floor, naked and spooning. Jan and Mele were also asleep. Mele was sitting in Rio's meditating position, but Gou could tell that she had nodded off by her snoring.

Gou had succeeded in not waking anyone up as he licked up all the dirt and grime, then suddenly remembered something important. He had to tell Jan about Rio!

"I know where Rio is!" Gou said, shaking Jan awake.

"Where is Rio? I have to save him from the ghosts!" Jan shouted, accidentally headbutting Gou in the nose as he hopped to his feet.

"Have no fear, I exorcised Rio's demons when I sang my friendship song," said Gou.

"What about Rio being possessed?" Mele asked, who woke up at the mention of Rio.

"You can't save him with a song, Long told me I have to have sex with Rio," said Jan, annoyed.

"Oh, I didn't know you and Rio were like that. I am very happy for you," said Gou, secretly sad that his best friend apparently prefered Jan over him, though if anyone asked Gou would insist that his feeling for Rio were strictly platonic.

"You can talk to him? What is he saying about Rio?" Mele asked the muscled man.

This was an awkward situation for Gou to be in, as he wasn't sure that Mrs. Rio should know about Jan's desire to get frisky with her husband.

"Um, he says that he needs to perform a special kind of exorcism on Rio," said Gou.

"Why on ass- I mean why on Earth would he need to do that?" Mele asked. She had gotten used to pronouncing Earth as "ass" since she had been hanging around Maku the "Ass" Kenma.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but Rio is possessed by the ghosts that haunt this Starbucks. Jan says that the bacon egg wraps disappeared due to paranormal activity," said Gou.

"Don't be stupid, Rio and I stole the bacon egg wraps," Mele said bluntly.

"I don't believe that! Rio would not steal!" Jan shouted. Jan understood Mele just fine, but Mele could not comprehend anything he said.

"Jan says that Rio would not steal, and I agree with him," Gou said, translating.

"Why should your rules get in the way of Rio fulfilling his destiny?" Mele laughed.

"But if Rio stole the bacon egg wraps, that means my brother is suffering because of his crime..." said Gou, pondering the moral dilemma. "I swear I will not turn Rio in, because if he did steal the bacon egg wraps I am sure he had a very good reason for it. I will find another way to prove my brother's innocence."

"If you'll excuse me, I need to steal more bacon for Rio. He desperately needs it," said Mele, getting up and stuffing the bacon egg wraps into her bra.

"If Rio needs bacon, I will help!" Jan declared.

"Jan wants to help. Perhaps Rio could take him on as an apprentice, there is nothing left for him here," said Gou.

Meanwhile at RinJyuDen, Rio realized he had not thrown his fur in a long time. His hand crept up his shoulder, suddenly gripping the mantle and flinging it off like a badass.

Back at Starbucks, Mele was considering Gou's suggestion. On one hand, it would make it easier to get Rio to bed him if she did decide to make a deal with Long. The question was, could Mele bear the intense jealousy of seeing her man with this wild thing? Feelings that burn made one more powerful, the Water Kenma had assured, but she had been full of shit. Mele worried that Rio might chose Jan over her, rendering all their beautiful nights of lovemaking and romantic promises meaningless. Yet it seemed as though Rio had already forgotten about their last night together, since he was so focused on his work. If hiring Jan could help Rio achieve his goal, Mele would see that Jan was hired. There was nothing she would not do for her lover and his grand ambitions.

"Very well. You start in the morning," Mele told Jan, who proceeded to jump up and down with excitement. "But don't even think about coming in without shoes on."

Gou knew that Jan did not own a pair of shoes and probably didn't have the money to buy any. He took off his vegan TOMS shoes and gave them to Jan. He did not mind walking around barefoot, Master Shafu always said there was training in getting bruised feet. Jan accepted Gou's shoes with feigned gratitude, as they were a hideous neon salmon color and were a few sizes too big.

"Now I must prove my brother's innocence!" Gou declared, marching out the door.

Half a second after Gou left, Mele wondered why the door had slammed shut. She did not remember anyone entering or exiting the shop. Perhaps there was something to Jan's theory about Starbucks being haunted.

"Hey loser, get me all the bacon you have," Mele ordered Jan.

Jan nodded and obeyed. While he gathered the precious meat, Mele went into the men's bathroom to question Long about the possibility of ghosts. She also wanted to relieve the sexual frustration that she had built up while meditating.  
In the bathroom, she found Rageku lying dead on the floor. Her blood, thick and purple like jelly, formed a puddle near her head. She had been shot.

"No, please! I didn't mean to fart on you!" cried Kata, backing out of Long's stall. Mele heard a gun go off and saw Kata's head explode. Luckily his brains did not get on her clothes. How she had not heard the first gunshot that killed Rageku, she could not be certain.

Mele wondered what Rageku was doing in the men's bathroom, and figured that she must have been there to help Kata wipe himself since Rio's punishment had left him without fingers. It was good of Long to kill him, for it would be too miserable to live without being able to rub one out, Mele decided.

"Poor Jan will have to clean all this up," Long laughed.

"No he won't, he doesn't work here anymore," Mele informed Long.

"Then Master Shafu will probably add them to his collection of fuckable cadavers," Long speculated.

"Is that why Jan thinks the Starbucks is haunted?" Mele asked. "Do the ghosts of Dan and whoever else Master Shafu has fucked to death still linger here?"

"No, I made that shit up to get Jan to fuck your husband," Long admitted.

"That is despicable! I will not help you use Rio and Jan like that!" Mele shouted, beginning to understand why Rio felt so protective of the boy.

"Yes, you will," Long cackled knowingly. "And when you do, you will return to me and I will give you the knowledge that you seek."

Mele stormed out of the bathroom. She could not do this to her Rio, how could she even have considered it? He would need to find the secret to the ultimate coffee drink some other way. Yet she could not shake the idea that Long's coffee knowledge might be Rio's only hope.

Mele headed home to take care of her needs with her luxury vibrator, Jan collected more bacon to give to Rio in the morning, and Gou sprinted to prison to do what was necessary to save his brother. Back with Rio, there was more than just coffee brewing at RinJyuDen. Yes, trouble was brewing as well.

"I don't think we should serve meat or dairy products," Maku suggested, breaking Rio's concentration. "Customers are all about organic vegan shit these days."

"This is my shop, I will serve what I want," said Rio, restarting his coffee ritual and hoping that Maku would leave him alone.

"Why would you ask for my help if you won't take my advice?" Maku asked as he turned the coffee machine off and forced Rio to look him in the eye.

"How can I make lattes without dairy?" Rio pointed out, starting to believe that Maku was as foolish as the other two Kenma.

"There is such a thing as soy milk," Maku said in a condescending tone that made Rio want to rip his throat out. Rio had never made a latte with soy milk before, so his curiosity kept his violent urges at bay.

"I will try your soy milk, but I will keep my bacon," Rio agreed. He could take his milk, but he could not take his bacon.

Maku nodded and walked back to the employee lounge, where Miki's child was smoking medical marijuana to relieve the pain from her cramps. Rio found some soy milk that had mysteriously appeared in the fridge and set to work making a latte with it. He could not let Maku have too much power over him, but it couldn't hurt to try something new. Starbucks did have soy lattes on their menu, but everyone who went to Starbucks was such a fat-ass that no one had ever ordered one. Rio planned to bring in customers whose tastes were more discerning, so knowing how to make a good soy latte might be a useful skill.

As Rio ground the espresso, he heard a shriek of pain that seemed to come from very far away. That shrieker who shrieked that shriek was Retsu, who was being interrogated once again. Ken used a giant robotic rhinoceros that looked like a children's toy to torture the rude little art critic.

"For the last time where is the gerbil?" Ken shouted. He no longer knew what type of rodent he was looking for.

"Up my ass! I put the gerbil up my ass because I'm a pervert and it has been roaming around my intestines ever since!" Retsu cried.

"Why do I care about your gerbil? I want to know about the wombat you stole!" Ken yelled, signaling his megazord to attack Retsu some more.

"I stole the wombat too, but I ate it so there wouldn't be any evidence. I told you what you wanted to hear, just let me go!" Retsu began to sob.

"Man, now I'll have to cut you open to save the innocent animals you kidnapped," Ken whined, knowing that dissecting Retsu would probably take a long time. He wouldn't be able to get home in time to watch his favorite show, Kitten Party: Friendship is Magic, and that made him very sad. Watching Kitten Party was always the highlight of his week.

On cue, Gou ran into the interrogation room yelling his brother's name. He threw himself over Retsu's body to protect him from the rhinoceros megazord.

"My brother is innocent, and I know who the real culprit is," said Gou. "It was I who stole the bacon egg wraps."

Gou could not find any evidence that would prove Retsu's innocence that would not also implicate his best friend Rio, so Gou's only option was to sacrifice himself for his brother. Rio and Retsu were the two most important people in the world to him, he would gladly give his life to save them.

"But who kidnapped the rabbit?" Ken asked.

"Uh, I did that too," Gou confessed.

"So this man was lying about eating the rabbit?" Ken questioned.

"No, I ate the gerbil and put the wombat up my ass," Retsu explained. "Or was it the other way around?"

"Whatever, I need to go home and watch Kitten Party. George R.R. Martin wrote the new episode that's on tonight!" said Ken.

"So my brother can go free?" Gou asked as he put handcuffs on himself.

"No, he has to stay here because I don't like him. He will be executed in a week or so, whenever I get around to it," said Ken.

If Gou had been playing a drinking game that involved taking a drink whenever an act of social injustice occurred, Gou would have downed so many shots of his favorite bacon flavored vodka that he would have been blackout drunk.

"That is not fair! I trusted you Ken! You were like a brother to me!" Gou yelled to his partner. Gou's plan of self sacrifice hinged on Ken's honor, and Ken had failed him.

In his anger and despair, Gou's strength tripled. He snapped the chain of his handcuffs and began beating the megazord that was hurting poor Retsu. Ken and Retsu, still not quite sure why this man had randomly appeared in the middle of the interrogation, were shocked by how he took down the rhinoceros. Gou had dismantled the megazord that was the world's strangest torture device in a matter of seconds. Ken blinked and forgot that Gou was there, so he was very surprised to see this powerful man standing over the remains of his zord.

"Hey man, you need to chill," Ken advised.

Gou threw the decapitated rhinoceros head at his traitorous partner, knocking him out. Gou was surprised that he had done something so violent, but he had been left with no other choice.

"Brother, we must act quickly. If we switch places, you can get out of here," Gou said, taking off his pants and handing them to Retsu.

"What are you doing?" Retsu asked. He would have been shocked by the impressive bulge in Gou's briefs, but his vision was fuzzy after all the torture.

"It is a far, far better thing I do than I ever done," said Gou, King of Obvious Literary References. "We are brothers, so if you wear my clothes you may be able to pass yourself off as me. This will allow you to be free while I die in your place."

"Why would you do that?" Retsu wondered.

"You are my brother, I would do anything for you," said Gou. "I only ask that you check up on the orphanage where I volunteered, and tell my best friend Rio my last thoughts were of him."

"I still don't understand what is going on," Retsu was getting annoyed.

"I wrote a song about brotherhood for you, would you like me to sing it?" Gou asked.

"Please don't torture me anymore," Retsu groaned. "I don't know who you think you are, but I am the Great Fukami Retsu and I want to be left alone."

"Brother, please, let me help you," Gou insisted.

"I don't have a brother!" Retsu screamed.

"Please, this running joke where everyone I love pretends they don't know me is very clever, but in my last moments I would prefer we be honest with each other," said Gou, giving Retsu a hug. Retsu pushed him away.

"I am not joking. I have no idea who you are," said Retsu, staring at Gou with cold eyes that did not recognize his kind face.

Gou's heart shattered into a thousand miniscule pieces that could never be put back together. He was prepared to die for his dear brother, yet Retsu could not even remember him. The grief was too much to bear, so Gou turned into a wolf and leapt out the window of the interrogation room.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

Rio had not come home that night, as he stayed at RinJyuDen trying to perfect the art of the soy latte. He had made at least seventeen of them, but he couldn't get it quite right. He couldn't just give up and go to sleep, in part because of his determination, but mostly because he drank every latte that he made so he estimated he would be awake for the next four days. The possibility that soy lattes just were not as good as regular lattes did not occur to him, because that would be equivalent to accepting defeat.

Early in the morning, a hippo came in and ordered a vanilla caramel hazelnut mocha thing. Rio grumbled, not wanting to be interrupted with this stupid excuse for an espresso drink.

"Can you make it with heavy cream?" the hippo requested.

Rio nodded, hiding his disgust. He opened the fridge to find the heavy cream, but realized that all they had was soy milk. At some point that bastard Maku must have switched out all the dairy with soy.

"We only have soy milk," Rio informed the customer. "Do you want your vanilla caramel hazelnut fairydust mocha thing made with that?"

"No! Soy has estrogen in it!" the hippo cried, already self conscious about the size of his manboobs. His disappointment caused him to split in half, and the two halves of the hippo scurried out of the shop.

Rio was furious. The hippo may not have had the refined taste Rio expected his customers to possess, but he was still the first paying customer Rio had since the shark. This was Maku's fault, and he would pay dearly. Rio told himself he would get around to taking revenge after he made his eighteenth soy latte, but ended up making twenty more. He could not stop making them because he would always tell himself "One more try, this one may be my masterpiece." He was so wired that he could have marathoned all nine seasons of _Kitten Party: Friendship is Magic_ in one sitting. Not that Rio had any desire to watch _Kitten Party_, after Master Shafu ruined the whole franchise for him.

When the clock struck 7:00, Jan and Mele arrived at RinJyuDen. Mele let the door slam on Jan, causing him to drop the huge box he was carrying.

"Rio-sama, Mele has brought bacon for you," Mele sang.

"Mele...how thoughtful..." Rio gazed lovingly into Mele's eyes...then walked over to Jan to help him up. Mele grumbled as Jan presented Rio with the box of bacon. Jan may have cooked the bacon, but it was Mele's idea to steal it in the first place.

Rather than open the box, Rio punched a hole in it and pulled out a fist full of bacon. He savored the smell of it. This was exactly what he needed. The flavor and crunch of the bacon would propel him straight to nirvana, where he would learn the secret to the perfect latte.

"I said no meat in this coffee shop," Maku said, snatching the bacon from Rio's hand and stuffing it down his pants.

Mele gasped. Rio glared at Maku for a long moment in silence, preparing to perform another fire attack on Maku, when Jan grabbed his hand.

"I feel so waki-waki to be back with my best muni-muni!" Jan cheered, oblivious to the severity of Maku's actions.

This drew Rio's attention away from Maku. Rio couldn't understand Jan, but he could sense the genuine happiness in the boy. The joy in Jan's eyes touched him, extinguishing the figurative flame that was his anger and preventing a literal fire from destroying the shop once again.

"The whore's daughter likes vegan blueberry muffins, so I took the liberty of stocking up on those. You can also sell vegan sausage and vegan bacon sandwiches, as long as you don't use eggs or cheese," said Maku.

"How dare you speak to my husband in this manner?" Mele glared at Maku, hoping daggers would shoot out her eyes. Alas, she could only achieve a vaguely threatened stare.

"Shut up, Mele," said Rio. "It does not matter what food I serve, the coffee is more important."

Pleased, Maku headed to the employee lounge to make pot brownies with Miki's child's medical marijuana, and the eggs and butter he had stolen from Rio.

While Rio put Jan to work making bacon egg wraps with vegan bacon and no egg, Gou woke up in a forest naked without remembering how he got there. The last thing he recalled was being with his brother in prison...he must have blacked out in his anguish. Why he had taken his underwear off and wandered out into the woods was a mystery that Gou did not care to solve. He could only think of Retsu and the blank stare that proved his little brother did not recognize him. Gou's love for him was as strong as ever, but now the memory of his brother's face brought pain rather than joy. Gou curled up into a fetal position, telling himself he would not cry, then proceeded to bawl his eyes out. The only other time he had sobbed so hard was when he saw "The Lion King" for the first time and SPOILER WARNING Mufasa died.

Gou realized that Retsu was still in the custody of his loose cannon partner. He still had to save him, but he couldn't be late for work. Not even Gou was sure of exactly what his job was at Starbucks, he never even received a paycheck, but he would show up on time every day no matter what. Master Shafu might not care about Starbucks, Rio may have left for good, and there may not have been any customers ever since the pretty new barista had disappeared, but Gou would never give up on the company that had become like a family to him. Since his parents had died and his brother did not know him, Starbucks was the only family he had.

Gou made himself a loincloth out of leaves and started walking. He didn't know which direction he should go, so he started to sing and hoped his music would guide him out of the wilderness. The song lifted his heart, and soon he forgot why he was sad in the first place. Thoughts of Retsu were replaced with memories of Rio and Mele and Jan. They were his real family and they were the only family he needed.

Unfortunately Gou's did not end up going in the right direction, so he walked around the entire world before reaching Starbucks. He did not regret it though, he saw many wonderful things and grew as a person on his journey. Since he was such a capable runner, he was only a week late to work, and of course Master Shafu did not notice.

During the time that Gou spent skipping across the pacific ocean, Jan had a side adventure of his own. Rio was becoming depressed over his failure to make a perfect latte. Even his coffee brewing skills were suffering. This made Mele extremely anxious, so she whined to Jan about her feelings. Jan was a surprisingly good listener, mostly because in his language the phrase for "shut up, I don't want to hear about your problems," sounded very similar to "I'm so sorry honey, tell me more." Mele thought this meant that Jan's speaking had improved and he was genuinely concerned for her, but sadly that was not the case. Jan did not care that Rio was now meditating during intercourse or that the charger for Mele's vibrator was broken, he only cared about saving Rio from the ghosts.

Mele had forgotten to inform Jan that Long's story about evil spirits was a lie, so his top priority was still doing that smushy business with Rio. This time, instead of performing a naked attack as he had in the past, Jan would be more subtle and try to seduce him.

Jan found his sexy lion in the lounge, sitting on the couch. Jan attempted to sneak up on him from behind, but stopped when he realized what Rio was doing. He was sipping from a Starbucks frappuccino, and his body was shaking in such a way that he might have been sobbing. Jan had not seen Rio this upset since they had watched "The Lion King" together and SPOILER WARNING Scar died.

Jan coughed to acknowledge his presence. Rio turned suddenly, surprised and ashamed. He wiped his eyes and hid the frappuccino bottle in his fur. The last thing he wanted was for Jan to see him in his most vulnerable state.

"Jan, get out," Rio ordered, attempting to mask his emotions with an emotionless stare, but he could not fool Jan.

"Rio..." Jan took Rio's hand. Rather than pull away, Rio looked to Jan for consolation. He stood up and embraced his wild friend. The fact that Jan had a boner made it more awkward than Rio would have liked, but that did not make it any less beautiful.

"Am I a failure?" Rio asked Jan.

"My muni-muni could never be a failure!" Jan answered.

Rio did not know what Jan said, but it made him feel better. Maku may have forced him to serve organic shit that no one wanted, but Rio would not yet give up on his coffee.

"I promise you, the next latte I make for you will be the best latte in the world," Rio swore to Jan, pulling out of their embrace and throwing off his fur. He forgot that he put the frappuccino bottle in the fur, which flew out and smashed on the floor. Jan went to clean up the mess before Rio could even register what had happened.

"Don't tell Mele I was drinking a frappuccino ," said Rio. She knew that he only drank those when he was stressed, and he did not want to worry his dear wife. He was also terribly embarrassed that he was drinking a Starbucks product.  
Satisfied that he was able to cheer Rio up, Jan left the lounge. Even he was beginning to doubt the truth of Long's warning about the ghosts. His shift was over, so Jan left Starbucks to go on a walk and clear his thoughts.

Somehow he found himself outside a prison. In his warped mind, sneaking into a prison and exploring would be a wonderfully ironic adventure. He climbed up the brick wall and snuck in through a window that was already broken. He found himself in an interrogation room with a very thin and obnoxious looking prisoner and a scruffy man who was passed out on the floor. Jan shook the unconscious man, causing him to wake up in an instant. Jan recognized him as the detective who had investigated the case of the bacon egg wraps.

"How long was I out?" Ken asked.

"A few days," Retsu responded, disappointed that Ken wasn't dead.

"I missed the new episode of _Kitten Party_. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooo!" Ken cried. Jan thought it was stupid to be so upset over _Kitten Party: Friendship is Magic_. Dan had never allowed him to watch that show as it featured mature situations such as kittens learning how to share or understanding the value of friendship or why ginger cats deserve to have the same rights as other cats. Jan knew it was a terrible show because Rio always had a disgusted look on his face whenever that franchise was mentioned.

"The episode is probably online now," Retsu noted.

"Would you mind if I left you for half an hour to go watch it?" asked Ken.

"I might get lonely, please don't leave me," Retsu pleaded, whose opinion on Ken altered dramatically in the last two seconds as he had suddenly developed Stockholm Syndrome.

"Don't be so clingy, I'll come back to torture you later,' Ken promised.

Retsu pouted as Ken walked out the door. If Retsu had been able to recall his days as an art critic, he would have written a stellar review of the magnificent sculpture that was Ken's ass.

"Aren't you Gou's brother?" Jan asked the frail victim of the broken justice system.

"I don't have a brother," said Retsu. Since he was related to Gou, he could also understand Jan's strange language. Jan did not make anything of this.

"Oh, so what are you here for?" Jan inquired.

"I kidnapped some rodents, I think. I didn't believe that I had done it at first, but Ken helped me see the truth of my crimes. He sure beat some sense into me," Retsu laughed as he spat up blood.

"It sounds like Ken is a bad influence," Jan speculated.

"Ken is a very nice guy, he just loses control of himself sometimes," Retsu insisted.

Jan rolled his eyes, failing to understand the psychological horror that Retsu was experiencing. He was bored with this guy who may or may not have been related to his favorite hallucination, so he hopped out the window and went home.

As Rio worked on his soy latte and Mele bothered Miki's child with her problems, Maku was busy scheming his most evil scheme yet.


	14. Chapter 14 & 15

**Chapter 14**

There is no Chapter 14

**Chapter 15**

Rio had stayed overnight at RinJyuDen, which Mele did not find unusual. She came in to work at her regular time, expecting it to be another miserable day filled with soy lattes and vegan bacon. She could not have been more wrong.  
When Mele walked into the shop, she immediately sensed that something was off. She could not tell what it was, as everything seemed to be in its proper place. The furniture and equipment was all there, the scent of the coffee was the same, the colors of the world had not changed, and Rio was at his post preparing a soy latte. Mele stared at Rio, trying to figure out what was different about him. She looked at her husband the same way he would look at her after she got a new haircut, when he knew something had changed but could not identify was it was.

Suddenly Mele gasped with realization. She closed her eyes, praying that when she opened them Rio would be as he was before. Unfortunately, when she looked at him again he was still wearing his horrible new uniform. She could not help but see it now, and she could not understand how it did not register in her mind at once. Perhaps her brain had tried to protect her from the terrible reality of that outfit by blocking her perception, but now this image of Rio was burned into her memory.

Maku had forced Rio to put his hair in many tiny braids and put him in an apron that may have been stolen from a preteen girl's closet. Rio's absolute despair was evident in the blank look in his eyes. It was too much for Mele to see the man who was her husband and her hero degraded in this way. She had no choice, she would have to do as Long asked. She needed to get Rio in bed with Jan.

Gou could sense Rio's pain all the way from Starbucks. He had recently purchased a bed to put in Starbucks so the samurai would no longer have to sleep on the floor. He was tucking them in when he had a vision of a thousand bison running off a cliff, and somehow he knew that those bison represented Rio's suffering. He would definitely help his best friend after he finished his shift at Starbucks and he brought food to the orphanage and he repaired the window he had broken when he mysteriously jumped out of the interrogation room earlier that week.

Today was one of those uncommon days when Gou needed to take a shit, as he rarely ate solid food. He gave so much money to charity that he could hardly feed himself. When he walked into the men's bathroom, he found his boss standing at the sink for no particular reason. Master Shafu was certainly not washing his hands, because he was gross and never washed his hands. Not even Long could have said why that cat stood there in the bathroom for an undetermined amount of time.

"Hello Master Shafu!" Gou greeted. He noticed that Master Shafu's belly was swollen, but did not yet know what to make of that.

"You can't use the bathroom unless you are a paying customer," said Master Shafu, suddenly pulled out of his daze.

"I work here," Gou chuckled. The joke was still funny, he couldn't remember why he had ever thought it wasn't funny. He could not remember a single instance where someone pretending to forget him had been heartbreaking instead of humorous. Now, if he had a family member who pretended not to know him right before he sacrificed his own life for them, that wouldn't be funny. That could never happen though, because Gou was an orphan and an only child.

"Oh, OK then," Master Shafu would have believed anyone who said they were an employee, since he couldn't care less about his employees or customers or the shop itself.

Gou smiled and entered one of the stalls. He was shocked to find a little blond man floating in the toilet beside an enormous piece of crap. Seriously, that shit was bigger than Gou's head, and Gou had a pretty big head. Gou reached into bowl to grab the man and began performing CPR with his thumb.

"Live, damn you, live!" Gou cried.

"I took a huge dump in that toilet. I think I killed whatever was in there," said Master Shafu without shame.

Gou felt sorry for the blond man, but he could not cry for him. He couldn't say why, but he sensed that this creature was evil and the world was better off without him. Perhaps it was the wicked smile on Long's dead lips that gave Gou the creeps. Still, Gou was determined to dispose of the man's body with dignity. He could not bury him since that might be bad for the environment, and he couldn't make a funeral pyre because fire was dangerous. Instead, he said a few words and flushed Long down the toilet. He carried out the flushing with the same respect he had shown at the funerals of all the goldfish he had befriended throughout his life. It was a fitting end for Long, who had always been a little shit.

Outside, the sky was getting darker to symbolize how things were getting darker for Rio. Jan ran into RinJyuDen and found Rio in his despair, though Jan's brain was too innocent to perceive the evil uniform so he simply saw a black blob of shame and misery. He could tell it was Rio because of his scent, so he ran to his friend to offer what comfort he could.

"What have I been living for all this time?" Rio asked Jan.

"For your coffee and friends! You will create the best latte, you promised me!" Jan shouted.

"I will never create the best latte," said Rio, though the fact that his statement could have been a response to Jan was purely a coincidence. "I have allowed Maku to take over my shop. I have nothing."

"You have everything! Mele loves you, and I love you, even the hallucination that calls himself Gou loves you!" Jan yelled as he punched Rio, trying to shake him out of his depressed state, to show him that he could still feel.

Jan grinned when he saw that Rio was angry, that he had succeeded in getting Rio to recognize his emotions. Rio was ready to fight, so he reached to throw his fur...but his fur was not there. This realization made him depressed again. This time, Mele went to help her lover. If she could remain serious while Rio made his O-face, she would be able to look at him in this wretched get-up and see the powerful lion within.

"Rio, we don't need the Kenma. I can help you make the best latte," said Mele.

"How?" Rio asked, for the first time looking to his wife for guidance.

"There is something you must do..." Mele began, but she didn't know how she could tell Rio to fuck Jan. There was really no easy way for her to formulate that sentence.

"What?" Rio was beginning to grow frustrated (and hard) with Mele's silence. She openly spoke of masturbating in public, what could she possibly have to say now that made her uncomfortable?

"I can't say it, but I promise you I will make it happen," Mele said with reluctance.

"Then how will I know what to do?" Rio gripped Mele's wrist and stared deep into her eyes, trying to solve the puzzle that was her mind.

"It won't matter. I will be able to get the information you need, if you trust me. You won't have to worry about any of it, its my burden to bear. Please, Rio-sama, let Mele do this for you," Mele pleaded, putting her head on her lover's chest.

"Mele, you don't need to do this alone," Rio whispered.

"Don't concern yourself with me. I can't see you suffer any more," Mele cried.

Rio cradled his wife, wishing he could know what was bothering her, but not wanting to press her further.

"Get back to work," Maku ordered in a deep and booming voice.

"You have no power here!" Mele shouted. If Mele had Rio's power to shoot flames from her eyes, Maku would have been burnt to a crisp in an instant.

"I am merely doing what I must to help Rio make this shop the best it can be," Maku flashed a devious grin.

Jan trembled with fear. He found this Earth Kenma character very zawangi-zowango.

In that moment of intense drama, a customer walked through the door. Jan recognized her as being some famous woman, but Rio and Mele did not know or care who she was.

"OMG your outfit is so cute!" said the celebrity, blowing a kiss at Rio. Rio would have felt embarrassed, but at this point he could not feel any worse than he already did.

"What do you want?" Rio asked robotically.

"Can I get a soy latte and vegan muffin?" the woman requested.

Rio nodded and gave the customer what she wanted, a mediocre soy latte and stale vegan muffin.

"Mmmmmm, thanks! I'll tell my friends about this place," said the woman whose tastes were apparently so bland that she thought Maku's products were actually good.

"See, I told you going vegan would help business," Maku cackled as the celebrity exited the shop.

Even if Maku was right, Rio did not care about attracting that kind of customer. She was no better than the trash he had to serve at Starbucks. Drawing that celebrity into the shop was a victory that belonged to Maku, not Rio. He had never even seen that woman, so it didn't matter to him if she was famous. The truth was that she was an actress in the live-action drama series Kitten Party: the High School Years, so Jan had been aware of her from hearing Dan talk about her all the time.

Rio knew that something had to be done, but wasn't ready to take action just yet. He did not know what Maku might try to do to his shop if he was fired from his position as advisor in all holy coffee matters.

Rio may have been lost, but Mele knew exactly what she had to do. She pulled Jan into the employee lounge to speak to him in private.

"You will come over tonight and have sex with Rio," Mele explained, trying to get the words out as quickly as she could. This resulted in her words being incomprehensible, so Jan didn't know what she was saying.

Jan assumed that Mele was ordering him to clean up, so he got down and began licking the floor. This frustrated Mele, who kicked at Jan and made him stand up.

"You will come to our apartment after work, do you understand?" Mele asked.

Jan did not understand, he did not even know where Rio and Mele lived. Mele took mistook his look of utter confusion for agreement, so she was satisfied that her awful plan was moving forward. Jan shrugged and got back to cleaning up the lounge while Rio continued to brood about his purpose in life.


	15. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

It just so happened that Jan lived in the same apartment complex as Rio and Mele. For some odd reason, their building was experiencing a power outage that night. Since all the lights were out, Mele had gone out to purchase candles. She told Rio that she wanted to read by candlelight, but the true purpose of the candles was to make the coming night with Jan more romantic. Rio was left alone in the room, with nothing to do but sit and think of Mele and failure.

Jan could not find his way around the dark building. He accidentally got off on floor five instead of three, but did not realize his mistake. He wandered around in the hallway until he found a room that he assumed was his own. Tired and horny, he sat down on the bed and decided to masturbate. He unzipped his pants, pulled his wang out, and got to work. The strange thing was, he was not wearing pants. Jan also noticed that his penis had gotten thicker and longer since last he checked, but he put this down to the strange chemicals in all the vegan bacon he had recently consumed. His sexual grunts were also a lot deeper than the squeaky noises he usually made while jacking off. If Jan had been a bit more clever, he might have realized that he was not actually fondling himself, but the man who sat beside him.

The penis in Jan's hand belonged to Rio, who mistook Jan's touch for Mele's. He guessed that Mele had returned from candle shopping and wanted to surprised him with a handjob.

Speeding up with his motions, Jan's mind was stimulated by the moans of pleasure, which only increased and grew louder. It helped that his brain interpreted these sexual noises as his own. He stroked the massive piece of man flesh as if he were a teenage boy again, discovering a new and exciting activity. Jan liked his new size. Something about it reminded him of lions, which reminded him of Rio, which made him even hotter.

"Ohh… Mele…," Rio cried, but Jan still didn't find anything odd about that since "mele mele" was his word for "I think I'm going to cum." Why Jan said things like that when he was masturbating as a party of one was yet another mystery to add to the pile of unexplained idiocies that made up his life. Suddenly, Jan felt the need to voice his tremendous excitement.

"Waki-waki!"

And that was when Rio realized that it was not Mele who was touching him.

"J-Jan?" Rio stuttered, for the first and last time in his life. As if on cue, the electricity came back in their apartment complex and the lights turned on with the brilliance of a thousand radioactive bison. There sat Jan, as red in the face as he was.

Rio was not as shocked as he should have been. Some part of him had be hoping this would happen, even expecting it. Jan, on the other hand that wasn't masturbating Rio, stared at his friend with wide eyes full of quirky surprise. Jan didn't know what Rio was doing in this place that he still believed was his own apartment, but he was very glad that he was there. For the past two weeks his thoughts had revolved around Rio and using his newly developed sexual powers to save him from demonic possession, but now he wanted to use those powers for something more. He did not want to pleasure Rio out of duty, he wanted to make love to Rio to demonstrate his devotion to him.

Suddenly those two weeks were put into perspective for him. The wild boy had truly became a man with the knowledge of every technique he had learned. Yet more important than his fantastic technique was the desire of Jan's unbreakable body and his honest heart that was full of love. His feelings for Rio were pure, and it was those feelings that had brought him to where he was now.

Rio also reflected on the past two weeks and how his feelings for Jan had developed and how he had subconsciously desired him. Now he found himself in this romantic situation with Jan, who had unknowingly become an object of his devotion. No, more than that, Jan had somehow become the second person in the entire world that Rio truly cared about and wanted to protect. He felt like there might have been a third person but he could not for the life of him remember who it was.

There was no equivalent for Rio's name in his language, so Jan opted for saying his name in the language that everyone else spoke.

"Rio." The name rolled off his tongue perfectly from all of those times he'd pondered and fantasized about the older man in his head. He had also used his name in conversations with Gou and Long, but that didn't matter. Saying it while gazing upon Rio's face was so magical that it felt like the first time saying his beautiful name aloud. This night would be the first time Jan did many things, and he had no doubt in his mind that he was ready for it.

With that, Rio knew that he had permission to continue. He took Jan's hand and gestured for him to continue stroking his semi. The lust in Jan's gaze penetrated through the wall of despair that Rio had constructed with bricks of anger. The Jan that was here now was no longer the naive fool that used to follow him around at Starbucks like an ugly duckling. This Jan had given himself to Rio as a man and was ready to be ravished as an equal.

Perhaps not completely equal since Rio would rule the world someday with his coffee, but that was a minor detail.

Rio flashed back to the moment he had first met Jan. He only knew him as Dan's son who had been hired as Starbucks's janitor, but even his relation to his worst enemy could not bring Rio to truly hate the innocent boy. Whenever Rio had dirt on his shoes, Jan was there to lick it off. He remembered how Jan had played with the eye drops Rio had left for him, how he had playfully tackled him to cheer him up during his miserable shift at work, and how he had shared a moment with him when he was drinking a frappuccino alone. Jan had been there for Rio at the lowest points in his life, and for that Rio would be indebted to him forever.

Jan had many wonderful memories of Rio, but for some reason the only image that came into his mind was of him taking a dump in the sink while Rio stood at the urinal. Rio had kindly informed him that he was confusing the sink for the toilet, and Jan was able to correct his mistake before anything came out. Rio had never judged him as Dan and Master Shafu had. Without Rio, Jan would never have found the confidence to master the art of the bacon egg wrap.

On the brink of release, Rio's thoughts were dashed for the imminent climax. Right then, all that existed were his feelings for Jan, so he searched the other man's eyes as Jan helped him. Without knowing why, he was almost terrified that he wouldn't find the same feelings in Jan, the same swirling emotions that could only be described as true love. Even then that word barely scratched the surface of the deep and profound feelings he held for Jan.

As Rio finally came, he could see nothing but love and affection in Jan's eyes. Jan was not amused by Rio's silly O-face, in fact he could not even see anything ridiculous about it. Instead, Jan smiled at the sight of his beloved's pleasure. When the moment was over, Jan's janitor instincts kicked in and he cleaned up the mess Rio had made by lapping up his semen. Rio was touched by Jan's endearing and considerate act of devotion, but noticed that Jan was still hard as a rock. It was time for Rio to return the favor.

On the rare occasion that Rio fantasized about being with another man, he always imagined himself on top. Yet now that he was here with Jan, he wanted to surrender himself to his strong and wild friend. Jan had put complete faith in Rio to create the ultimate latte. Rio wanted to show that he had the same trust in Jan. Jan was not the only one who would be experiencing something new that night.

Rio opened the drawer to his nightstand and pulled out a bottle of lube, then handed it over to Jan. After all the adult videos he had studied, Jan knew exactly what to do. He applied a generous amount of the water-based lubricant to his dick as Rio ripped off that stupid uniform and threw it in the trash can. Rio felt like he was being reborn, and Jan was both midwife and mother. His nervousness was only surpassed by his incredible excitement.

They crawled to the middle of the bed. Rio moved his hand through Jan's unruly hair as he kissed him on the mouth. Jan kissed him back forcefully. Not even the taste of vegan bacon on Jan's lips could make that kiss less than spectacular. Rio suddenly stopped, ready to get serious. Jan appeared to be more than willing to skip the foreplay, judging by his throbbing member and the desperate lust in his eyes.

Rio roared like a lion when Jan mounted him. The sensation was exhilarating, and not as painful as Rio had feared. Jan had done extensive online research in addition to his film viewing, so he knew to take things slow so Rio could get used to the feel. It was a good thing that Rio had not eaten in several days, leaving his anus relatively clean. When Rio was ready, Jan went deeper inside and began thrusting gently. They were both going insane with pleasure. The feel of being one with the man he loved more than his own life made Jan happier than ever. To say he was feeling waki-waki was an understatement.

Rio did not feel as though Jan was dominating him, since their bodies were so in synch. Every part of Rio was tingling from the thrill of being penetrated by Jan. By opening himself up to the man completely, he was able to take Jan inside himself. He was Jan's protector, and it gave him pleasure to guide his friend to a ecstasy. Rio sensed that Jan could not keep going for much longer, but he was impressed that he had been able to last this long, since it was the man's first time. Jan's great control of his body must have been due to all the intense physical training he received growing up in the jungle.

"Jan," Rio grunted, giving his lover permission to finish.

"Rio!" Jan cried out as he came inside Rio. Jan slid out of Rio and rolled off, looking up at the ceiling. Rio curled up next to Jan and kissed his cheek.

That was when Mele walked in and saw the two men in bed.

Rio had not even considered what his wife might say about his feelings for Jan. No part of what had happened felt wrong, so he could not have imagined that any of it might bother Mele. Yet his wife was capable of jealousy, though she may have tried to hide it for his sake. Rio did not feel ashamed for what he did with Jan, but he did regret how he went about it without even thinking of Mele.

"Oh, so you already did it? Good job, loser," Mele said to Jan. She had not expected Jan to get there before she got back. She wasn't sure if she felt grateful that she didn't have to watch her husband have sex with a wild man, or if she was disappointed that she didn't get to see her husband make love to his best friend. After a moment of consideration, she decided that she felt a combination of both. This made it very difficult for Rio to read her emotions.

"Mele," Rio began, not knowing how to explain himself. All he wanted was for his wife to know that he still loved her just as much as he always had, but he had realized recently that he was not good at expressing his emotions.

"You don't need to say anything, Rio-sama," Mele said to her husband. Mele still believed that this incident had been planned between her and Jan, and she could never let Rio discover the truth. She did not yet realize the extent of her husbands feelings for Jan.

"Would you like to join us for another round?" Rio asked, growing hard again at the sight of his wife. He was touched by how she was willing to forgive him without a thought.

Mele smiled at Rio's invitation. She never really feared that her husband might be interested in a man, but that his relationship with Jan would cause him to lose interest in her. If Rio wanted her to be part of his arrangement with Jan, she could not refuse him.

Mele shed her clothes and climbed on top of Rio. He sat up so that his face was close to hers, and she kissed down his neck as he caressed her. Without warning he entered her, giving her such thrill that she bit down on his shoulder. As their movement became faster and more passionate, Mele noticed that Jan was playing with himself as he watched. She found strangely endearing, but pretty much anything could be considered endearing if Jan was involved. Awkward as the situation might be, she was glad to have Jan in her life.

None of them had realized that the front door to the apartment was still open. A random white kid walked in and looked on with curiosity. Jan had noticed the intruder, but decided to ignore him. There was no point in interrupting his friends from their lovemaking.

As the three of them climaxed together Rio's eyes never left his wife, but he was acutely aware of Jan as well. Mele kissed Rio on the mouth, as if to thank him for the pleasure he had given her. Soon they were all asleep in Rio's bed. They were spooning, and it was a beautiful sight to behold. Jan was the big spoon, Mele was the little spoon, and their beloved Rio slept peacefully in the middle.


	16. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

When Rio awoke the next morning, he did not even think of the big day he had ahead of him. His thoughts were only of his wife and wild man. When Rio took over the world with his coffee, he would be sure to make polygamy legal so Jan could be his wild man on paper as well as in his heart. Rio lay there thinking about love and friendship for a while, but when he really wanted to get out of bed to go pee he realized that Mele and Jan were blocking him on both sides. He didn't want to wake them, so he slipped beneath the covers and crawled out at the foot of the bed.

He then noticed the random white kid, who was still in their room watching them sleep. Rio was still butt-naked at this point, but he would not let himself feel embarrassed for walking around freely in his own home. He glared at the kid until he went away, then continued on to the bathroom to relieve himself. After all those soy lattes, he spent a good five minutes peeing. Rio was often impressed by his own body, and the strength of his bladder was certainly something he could be proud of.

By the time he was done, Mele and Jan were awake and ready to go to work. Mele was afraid to ask about Rio's outfit, but her husband could see the concern in her face.

"I will not be wearing _that_ uniform," Rio smiled. "Today, I will take back my coffee shop."

Rio put his usual black suit on, and Jan and Mele lifted the fur onto his shoulder. They were the perfect happy family. Rio marched out the door in an epic fashion, followed by his loyal comadres. People on the street stared at them, admiring how cool they looked. A few people even began to follow them, as if they were in one of those musicals where all the random people on the street join in the dance.

"Stop following us," Rio growled as he turned around. The stalkers scattered.

Rio continued to RinJyuDen, rehearsing the insults he would throw at Maku in his head. When he got there, he found Maku drinking soy lattes with his liberal celebrity friends.

"Get out," Rio ordered.

"Who do you think you are?" a tan anorexic bitch asked.

"Rio-sama is the owner of this establishment, and you will address him with respect!" Mele hissed, grabbing the insolent patron by the throat.

Mele released her, and she and the other customers ran out of the shop in fear.

"What do you think you are doing?" Maku asked, furious.

"You have no power here, Maku," Rio informed the Earth Kenma.

"You are fired!" Jan yelled, for once speaking in a language that people could understand. Perhaps he was more intelligent than he let on.

"But you need me! You will never succeed without my help!" Maku yelled.

"I do not need anyone, other than my wife and wild man. I will make the best latte, it is my 'pika-pika,'" Rio grinned, using the word in Jan's language that meant "destiny."

"If you fire me, I will make sure that no one ever buys your coffee. I can destroy you, I have connections," Maku threatened. "I can ruin RinJyuDen."

"I have no doubt of that," said Rio, examining his fingernails to demonstrate how little he thought of Maku's threat. "That's why I plan on burning RinJyuDen to the ground."

Clearly RinJyuDen was just not in the right location. Rio would rebuild his coffee empire in a shop that was more strategically placed to bring in business.

Maku snarled as he stuffed his face with a vegan muffin. That muffin tasted like defeat.

"Jan, would you like to do the honors?" Rio offered.

Jan nodded excitedly, running behind Maku and kicking him in the ass. Maku fell to the ground and started crying, so Jan continued to kick him until he had effectively kicked Maku out of RinJyuDen.

Now Rio was ready to unleash his pyromania. Jan and Mele stood behind him as held a torch and gazed upon the shop that had ultimately been pretty disappointing to him. Why he was burning the shop down with a torch instead of his awesome fire powers, no one could say.

"Goodbye, RynJyuDen," Rio said as he threw the torch down on the floor. The shop went up in flames because the floor and walls were soaked with the mysterious chemicals in the vegan bacon.

As Rio was being reborn in the flames of RinJyuDen, Gou sensed that Miki's child was in danger. She was passed out in the lounge at RinJyuDen! Gou could not let this child die, not when he was a trained firefighter who specialized in saving children and pets from burning building without ever expecting anyone to say "thank you."

Rio, Mele, and Jan stood outside, admiring the beauty of the flames, when they saw a man run inside. Mele was about to run in to try to stop whoever this crazy person was, but Jan held her back. He recognized the man as Gou the hallucination, and hallucinations could not die. A moment later, Gou came running out with Miki's child in his arms.

"Is she alright?" Rio asked the brave stranger. He had grown fond of this little pot head, and was embarrassed that he had almost allowed her to burn to death.

"Dude, those flames are so pretty," Miki's child coughed.

"She will be fine, I got to her just in time," said Gou.

"Hey Gou, how is Starbucks doing?" Jan asked, just to make conversation. He didn't give a shit about Starbucks now that he was working for Rio.

"It's doing great!" Gou smiled. "Actually we haven't had a customer since Rio left, the other barista has gone missing, Master Shafu has gotten fatter, and the little man in the toilet died, but other than that it's great!"

"What did you say about the man in the toilet?" Mele asked forcefully. She still needed Long to hold up his end of the bargain. If she couldn't get the information from him now, Rio's night with Jan would have been for nothing. She would never be able to help Rio make the best latte. Long could not be dead.

"The blond man in the toilet is dead," Gou repeated. Mele punched him in the face, which made Gou laugh. That must have been the way women showed their affection. Admittedly, Gou did not know a lot about women.

Jan punched Gou in the face too. He wasn't angry at Gou, but when Mele did it it looked like fun so he thought he'd give it a try. It did not make him feel any better, so he started to cry. Long may have been a creep and a liar, but he was the only person who could understand Jan in his native tongue.

"I'm sorry for your loss," said Gou in Jan's language.

"If Long is dead, then none of it mattered," Mele reflected.

Rio had no idea who Long was or what was going on, but his wife's despair at this unknown man's death made him suspicious.

"Who was Long?" Rio asked.

"No one," Mele said quickly.

"Don't lie," said Rio, grabbing her wrist firmly but not roughly. "You promised you would never lie to me again."

"He was someone who promised to help me," said Mele, looking at her feet. Damn, she had nice boots.

"He was the one who told me to perform a fucksercism on Rio," said Jan. Gou blushed, but obediently translated what Jan had said. Mele punched Gou again.

"What are you saying?" Rio asked Jan. Had their night together meant nothing?

"I think Long told Jan you were possessed by ghosts and the only way to save you was by...having sex with you," Gou explained. This time, Rio punched Gou.

"Jan, is this true?" Rio asked with tears in his eyes. He couldn't be angry at Jan, because he had proven to be a loyal friend, but Rio wanted more than friendship.

Jan could have given Rio a long explanation of how he had originally wanted to have sex with him to save him from the ghosts, but over time he came to see Rio in a romantic way, and their night together had nothing to do with the imaginary ghosts that haunted Starbucks. That would have taken too long for Gou to translate, so Jan simply pounced on Rio and gave him a passionate kiss. That kiss answered all of Rio's questions.

"I love you too, Jan" Rio whispered.

Mele's lip quivered as she watched her husband declaring his love to this man, wondering how she could have been blind to the intensity of Rio's feelings. This was not a friendship with benefits, this was true love. The worst part was that Mele still thought she had arranged the whole thing, so if she was being replaced it was her fault. She had carefully considered the consequences, but there was no way should could have predicted that Rio would fall so hard for that wild thing.

"Rio, forgive me," Mele fell to her knees and wept.

"Mele, what's wrong?" Rio asked, immediately pulling away from Jan and attending to his wife.

"I made a deal with Long. He told me he would give me the secret to the best latte if I got you to fuck Jan," Mele confessed.

Rio stood up, hiding his face from Mele. Now he was the one who was heartbroken.

"Did our threesome mean nothing?" Rio asked.

Mele wasn't even sure them having sex while Jan masturbated could be defined as threesome, but apparently it meant a lot to Rio. It was agonizing for Mele to know that she was causing her lover pain because she failed to understand just how special Jan was to him.

"I only wanted to help you," Mele cried.

Rio could not bring himself to look at his wife. She may have wanted to help, but this still felt like betrayal. His love for Jan was not something that could be traded for information, even if it would help him accomplish his dream.

"Jan, come," Rio ordered his man. He would take Jan to a bathhouse, that usually made him feel better when he was stressed. They walked away, leaving Mele sitting on the sidewalk.

Gou tried to comfort her, but she thought he was assaulting her. She kicked him in the groin and left him lying in pain. Miki's child saw this, feeling pity for the poor man who only ever wanted to help his friends. She offered him her hand, helping him up. He looked up at her with his unusually big eyes, touched by her sweet compassion.

"What do I do now? My mom abandoned me and I don't have a job anymore," Miki's child asked the kind stranger.

"Your mother has not abandoned you. She is missing, but I promise I will find her," Gou swore. He would finally have a chance to put his detective skills to work.


	17. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

All Rio wanted was a beautiful polyamorous relationship. He also wanted to have the best coffee and rule the world, but that did not seem as important as it once had. Jan and Mele were important. Why couldn't Mele love Jan as he did? It was as though all she saw was the seemingly mentally challenged boy he had been two weeks ago, rather than the strong wild man he was now.

Rio had come to the bathhouse so he could bond with Jan and get his mind off Mele, but he could not stop thinking about her. Since Rio was brooding, Jan had gotten bored and began playing with the washcloth as if it were a nunchuck. This reminded him of wii nunchucks, which he knew were extremely erotic toys. The thought of the buttons and joysticks made him hard. He didn't want to interrupt Rio's bath time, so he turned around and took care of his own needs.

A switch in Rio's mind was flipped the moment he heard the sound of Jan's fapping. There was no point in wasting time worrying about Mele. He loved her, she loved him, and he loved Jan, the rest would fall into place. Now, he was hungry for Jan.

"Come in the bath with me," Rio ordered as he wrapped his arms around Jan from behind.

Jan obeyed and sat down in the bath while Rio went under the water. Rio imagined he was a sea monster, coming to attack Jan. Suddenly, he lifted Jan up so he was sitting on the side of the bath with his legs still in the water. Rio's head came up from under, his black hair wet and stringy. He gave Jan a wry smile before taking his manhood into his mouth.

Rio began by licking the tip of Jan's penis. This was a new sensation for Jan, he

nearly slipped off the edge of the bath from the pleasure. Rio took Jan deeper, moving his mouth up and down his shaft. He looked up at Jan with a devilish gleam in his eye as he began to suck lightly. Rio was enjoying this almost as much as Jan was. Seeing his man so happy made him forget his troubles, everything was right with the world.

Rio swallowed every drop of Jan's cum with pleasure. From Rio face, Jan could have guessed that his bodily fluids tasted better than a bowl of soup at the most expensive restaurant in Paris. As Rio licked his lips, he surprised Jan by grabbing his legs and pulling him back into the bath. He flipped Jan around so his butt was sticking up out of the water.

Jan was clean down there from the bath, so Rio did not hesitate to prep Jan's anus with his mouth. He circled Jan's entrance with his tongue, but did not enter it. Due to the incredible sensitivity of that area, Jan cried out in ecstasy. For reasons Rio did not want to know, he found the taste reminded him of those delicious bacon egg wraps.

"Jan, do you want me to take you?" Rio asked kindly, not wanting to penetrate Jan without his permission.

"Yes! Si! Ja! Oui! Hai!" Jan said in every language he could think of.

Rio realized that he did not have any lube, so he would have to be extra careful. At least the hot water had softened him up a bit. He entered the Jan slowly, but the wild man cried out in impatience, thrusting his rear towards Rio to get him in deeper. Jan was not in the mood for gentle lovemaking, he wanted to be ravished. He wanted Rio fuck him into oblivion.

Rio pushed inside Jan, his movement getting faster and harder, but Jan only wanted more. Jan growled, as if he were part cat, begging from Rio to rip him apart so he could be sown back together again. Not knowing what else to do, Rio gripped Jan by the throat and bit the back of his neck. He refused to actually choke Jan or bite hard enough to draw blood, but the sensation was enough to satisfy Jan.

"You are mine," Rio whispered harshly in Jan's ear. "And I am yours."

Rio reached that point of amazing desperation before release, and with a few more thrusts he was in heaven. The lion roared Jan's name as he filled the tiger with his seed.

They lay in the bath for a while longer, just enjoying the other's company.

Outside the bathhouse, Ken looked on with binoculars. He had not returned to work after he had watched the latest episode of _Kitten Party: Friendship is Magic_, as the death of his favorite character made him too depressed to do anything. Seeing Rio and Jan have sex had cheered him up, and he figured it was a good time to travel to Hawaii. If he had any prisoners that still needed to be interrogated, he had forgotten about them.

At Starbucks, Gou was figuring out how to work the coffee machine. Starbucks needed a temporary barista until Miki was found, and no one else could possibly do that job better than Gou. For some reason the instructions to the machine were in Dutch, which was the only language that Gou could not read. He entered Master Shafu's office, but it appeared to be empty. Gou was about to leave to search for his boss, when he heard a scratching sound coming from the closet.

When Gou opened the closet door, he found a woman among a collection of corpses. She appeared to be starving, it was a wonder that she was even alive.

"Miki?" Gou was shocked that she had been here all this time.

"Gou?" said Miki, remembering the kind man from their brief meeting so long ago.

"What are you doing in here?" Gou asked, helping Miki up.

"Master told me to stay in the closet until he let me out," Miki explained. "He must have forgotten about me."  
"That happens to me all the time! I always win at hide and seek. Once I stayed in the cupboard for two weeks before the orphanage cook found me," said Gou, trying to cheer Miki up.

"Thank you for saving me," said Miki, giving Gou a kiss on the cheek. That was the first time a woman had showed him any non-violent affection. It made him blush.

"Most people like to joke that they have never met me," said Gou. "But you recognized me immediately."

"That doesn't sound like a very nice joke," said Miki.

"Oh, I am used to it. I know my friends love me almost as much as I love them," Gou smiled thinking about his friends. He couldn't wait to introduce them to Miki.

He looked into Miki's eyes, getting lost in them. Her body may have been frail after all those days without food, but her eyes revealed her great inner strength. She looked at Gou with similar admiration, so grateful to this strong man who had saved her.

Of course Master Shafu had to walk in right as they were having a moment. For the first time in his life, Gou felt angry. He didn't care that Master Shafu never recognized him or gave him his paychecks, but forgetting about Miki was unforgivable.

"How could you leave this fine lady trapped in a closet with dead people?" Gou accused. It bothered Gou that those dead bodies, including the body of his dear friend Dan, were being treated with disrespect. He would be sure they all had decent burials after he made Master Shafu apologize for abusing Miki.

"She's no lady, she was whoring herself out to support her bastard daughter," said Master Shafu, expecting Gou to be repulsed by this revelation.

"Is that true?" Gou asked Miki, who was looking down in shame. She nodded.

Gou suddenly embraced Miki, touched by how far she was willing to go for her child. Knowing that she had sold her body in order to survive did not diminish her in his eyes. In fact, it made her appear even braver than before. She had sacrificed her dignity for the sake of her daughter. It reminded Gou of when he played Fantine in his school's production of _Les Miserables_.

Miki, who never dared to dream that a man like Gou could accept her so easily, started to cry on his muscular chest. In their old age, Gou and Miki would reflect that they had fallen in love in that moment. Ignoring Master Shafu, Miki and Gou looked into each other's eyes and kissed. This was Gou's first kiss, so it was a bit sloppier than Miki expected. She smiled at his sweet innocence, knowing that he would learn to be a better kisser with her help.

The sight of Gou and Miki's love caused Master Shafu to go into labor.


	18. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

While Rio and Jan were at the bathhouse and Gou helped Master Shafu give birth, Mele had traveled to the Starbucks Headquarters. She wanted to acquire the secret to the best coffee drink, in hope that she could redeem herself in her beloved's eyes. She met a spiky armoured guy named Sanyo, who offered to answer her questions.

"The secret to the best latte is simple yo," said Sanyo. "You need the best espresso beans imported from Italy, good cream that is well steamed, and the secret ingredient yo."

"What is the secret ingredient?" Mele was growing impatient.

"Love yo," said Sanyo, as if the answer was obvious.

"That's stupid," said Mele, who didn't understand how an emotion could be an ingredient.

"The barista must have someone he or she or ze loves more than anything yo," Sanyo explained.

"What if he loves two people?" Mele had to ask.

"That's even better yo," said Sanyo.

"You don't think that being in love with more than one person diminishes the value of love?" Mele wondered. This was something that had been bothering her.

"No way, love is love yo," said Sanyo, who was all for polyamorous relationships as long as everyone involved was informed and consenting.

This helped Mele see things in a new way. She loved Rio and wanted him to be happy. If loving Jan made him happy, so be it. Perhaps in time she could grow to love Jan as he did. But there was still one thing Mele needed to know.

"Why did Long tell me I had to make my husband have sex with a wild man in order for

him to give me the secret to the best latte?" Mele asked. Sanyo said earlier that he had been buddies with Long in college, and he was the one who hooked Long us with the position he had in Master Shafu's Starbucks.

"Long was a sick little fuck yo," said Sanyo. "He liked to mess with people because immortality is boring yo."

"Wait, Long is immortal? Is he still alive?" Mele's eye widened.

"No, Long is definitely dead. He claimed to be immortal, but he was a pathological liar yo," said Sanyo.

"Did he even know the real secret to the best latte?" Mele asked.

"Probably not yo," Sanyo laughed. His laugh sounded like "yo yo yo" instead of "ha ha ha."

Mele was angry at herself for letting Long use her as a puppet. Yet in the end his schemes had brought Rio and Jan together, and gave Rio the strength to destroy RinJyuDen. There was no point in regretting the past, not when the future was so bright. Mele had always sought to be worthy of the place she had in Rios heart, and now she would secure her position there by bringing him the secret to the best latte.

"Thank you for your help yo," Mele said to Sanyo before leaving to deliver this sensitive information to Rio. She wondered why this weird guy had given out Starbucks trade secrets so willingly, but was grateful to him nonetheless.

A moment after Mele was gone, the security guards at the Starbucks headquarters seized Sanyo and kicked him out. Sanyo had recently escaped from the prison where Retsu was being held, he didn't actually have anything to do with Starbucks and didn't know anything about coffee. The fact that he was acquainted with Long was merely a coincidence. There was no definitive secret to the "best latte," the idea that there could be was absolutely ridiculous.

The fact that Mele _believed_ she knew how to make the best latte was what mattered. The fact that Rio was terrible at marketing his product did not detract from the fact that he was objectively the best barista in the world. His lattes were already amazing, he just needed to believe in himself as Mele and Jan believed in him, and then his customers would believe in his coffee. Now he could put a sign outside his new shop that claimed he had the "world's best latte" and everyone would buy it.

At Starbucks, Master Shafu was nursing his three newborn kittens, which looked remarkably like Jan. Dan must have impregnated the cat/seahorse before his death. Gou had helped with the delivery while Miki found herself something to eat. It had been a difficult labor, but Master Shafu had squeezed out those kittens like a champ. The fact that he was unaware of his pregnancy made the experience even more surprising for him than it was for Gou.

"I'm so confused," said Miki, munching on a strip of bacon while Gou pet one of the kittens. The newborns had cat bodies and human faces, but Gou did not find them creepy.

"So am I, but aren't they beautiful?" Gou smiled, admiring the babies.

Miki was initially frightened by the creatures, but seeing Gou be so gentle with them helped her appreciate their odd adorable qualities.

"Do you happen to have a potato sack?" Master Shafu asked Gou.

"What do you need that for?" Gou asked, wary.

"I need a large sack to put the kittens in for when I throw them into the river," Master Shafu explained. He could not be troubled with these unexpected children, he had a business to run- into the ground!

"I won't let you murder these infants!" Gou shouted. He sympathized with unwanted children, since he had been an orphan himself.

"Who will take care of them? They're so ugly! It's better to put them out of their misery, no one will ever love them," said Master Shafu.

Shafu's comment cut Gou deeply. He had grown up believing he was alone in the world. He had only survived by keeping a positive attitude, showing kindness to everyone he met and never giving up hope. Now he had finally found someone who saw him for who he really was: a person who existed.

"I will adopt the kittens," Gou declared, snatching his new children away from Master Shafu. Gou proved himself to be a good and loving father, which made Miki all the more attracted to him. Her child needed a father in her life.

"I will help you raise them, if you'll let me," Miki said.

"I would like that more than anything in the world," Gou blushed.

"You don't think I am unfit to be a parent?" Miki worried. "I only fear that I am not good enough for you, because I am not pure."

"My lady, you are pure. You are a loving mother and a brave woman," Gou kissed Miki's forehead. "If I could be a father to your daughter, and you a mother to my kittens, I would be the happiest man on Earth."

Master Shafu threw up a hairball.

When Rio and Jan left the bath house, they found Mele waiting for them outside. Jan ran to her, forgetting the fight they had earlier. Rio was glad to see his wife, but wasn't sure why she was there. It was impressive that she knew him well enough to realize he would go to the bath house after their spat. Did she expect him to apologize, or did she want to apologize herself?

"Mele, we must put the past behind us," said Rio. He reached out to her, but she continued to stare at the ground. Rio began to fear the Mele was angry at him. If she had come there to break up with him, he didn't know what he would do.

"Mele has a present for Rio-sama," Mele's blank expression suddenly transformed into a wide smile. She had been toying with him.

"Oh?" Rio sighed in relief.

"Come, we must go to a coffee shop so I can help you make the Best Latte in the World," Mele said ecstatically.

Since RinJyuDen was destroyed, the only place Rio could think to go was Starbucks. He dreaded returning to that place when Master Shafu was still in power, but he had no choice.

Starbucks was an absolute mess, but at least Rio was able to find his way to the espresso machine. He had picked up Italian espresso beans and milk at the gourmet supermarket, since all of Starbucks's supplies were probably stale by now. Jan and Mele watched in silence as Rio got to work making his latte. He ground the espresso beans with his powerful fists, skillfully pushed the button on the machine that made the espresso, steamed the milk with great focus, and added the milk to the espresso so the cream on top made a heart shape. Mele clapped her hands together when Rio presented it to her.

"For you," Rio smiled.

Rio watched nervously as his wife took a sip. Mele's eyes widened when the warm drink touched her lips. It was the most incredible latte Rio had ever made. Mele did not even desire to add sugar, it tasted perfect as it was.

"Wonderful!" Mele exclaimed.

Rio breathed a sigh of relief and laughed. Mele offered Jan some of the drink. He beat his chest with his fists and roared in triumph, which meant that he liked it. Rio tried it next, blowing his own mind with how awesome it was. The high quality of the espresso and the steamed milk was not the only thing that made the latte as good as it was. Rio's love for Mele and Jan had inspired this work of art. (The fact that he used excellent espresso beans was at least 90% of it though.)

"Now I need to find another coffee shop," Rio realized.

"Why not take over Starbucks?" Takeru suggested. The samurai were now awake and lying in bed cuddling. Apparently they had been observing Rio's latte creation.

"That isn't a bad idea," said Mele. "Though it would take some time to fix the place up."

"But how do I get rid of Shafu?" Rio wondered. The idea of assassinating Master Shafu made him giddy. He might do that even if didn't want Starbucks.

Jan was concerned about what Rio was discussing. He had known Master Shafu for as long as he had been a member of human society, so he did not want to see the cat dead. He would need to take care of Shafu himself before Rio could get to him. He knew the cat was a malicious pervert, but at times he had looked up to that pervert as if he were his the estranged alcoholic mother that he had never known.

While Rio and Mele formulated a plan to kill Shafu, Jan snuck off into the boss's office. When he opened the door, he found Gou and Miki making out.

"You're getting much better," Miki complimented Gou's kissing performance.

"I am so happy I can please you," Gou blushed.

"Hey guys, we need to get Master Shafu out of here," said Jan, kicking off one of the babies that had attached itself to his leg.

"Why?" Gou asked.

Master Shafu was still lying on the floor in exhaustion. Jan took a closer look at the three kittens fighting to nurse at the cat's breast. Jan's thought the idea of male lactation was beautiful, he would love for Rio to drink from his nipple some day. He also noticed that the kittens looked suspiciously similar to him, as if they were his siblings.

"What the hell are these things?" Jan wondered.

"They are the beautiful product of Master Shafu's tragic affair with Dan," said Gou. "But seriously, why do we need to get Master Shafu out? Is he in danger?"

"Yes, Rio is going to take over Starbucks. It would be better for everyone if Master Shafu wasn't here when that happened," Jan explained.

"When does my awesome best friend plan on taking Starbucks?" Gou questioned, thrilled by the idea of seeing Rio.

"Uh, now," said Jan.

"Oh," said Gou. He had to think of something quickly. He knew Rio's intense hatred for Master Shafu was justifiable, and killing the cat would probably make the world a better place, but he did not want to see his best friend corrupted by the act of murder. Gou considered smuggling Shafu out of Starbucks, but then the cat would go free without ever paying for his horrendous crimes. He thought about killing Shafu himself so Rio wouldn't be able to do it, thus saving his friend's soul by allowing his own to be tainted instead. That was out of the question, Gou decided, he had to think of his family. He could not be a proper father to his adopted kitten sons if he had murdered their biological mother.

Then the perfect idea came to him. Master Shafu would be punished for his crimes, Rio could take Starbucks without a struggle, and Gou's innocence would remain intact.

"I am placing you under arrest," Gou told Master Shafu, finally putting his authority as a detective to use. "For the murder of Dan and all the other people you have hidden in your closet."

"You can't prove that I was involved in any of that," Shafu spat.

"You recorded videos of yourself when you strangled your victims," Miki pointed to the collections of tapes Master Shafu had on his desk.

"Dan died because he had a wiimote stuck up his ass," Master Shafu argued.

"Yes, but who put it there?" Gou asked rhetorically as he put the handcuffs on the cat's paws. "You have the right to remain silent, anything you say-"

"Blah, blah, blah, I've seen the cop dramas," Master Shafu interrupted.

"I'm doing this for your own good, you know," said Gou.

Master Shafu's kittens whined as their mother was taken out in handcuffs. Gou thought this was because they had already formed an emotional bond with their mom, but really it was because Master Shafu was their source of food and they were hungry. Miki picked them up and cuddled them, which calmed them down almost immediately. They even started purring, which made Jan start purring as well.

Gou took Master Shafu out the secret exit. Not even Master Shafu had know that Starbucks had a secret exit, but apparently Gou had found a way out behind the huge erotic painting of David Hasselhoff that Shafu had covering one wall. Outside there was an empty cop car, which Gou found very convenient. He gently shoved Master Shafu into the back seat and drove him downtown, since Gou had a car key that worked on all cop cars in the precinct.

For the first time ever, Rio passed gas.


	19. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

"What stinks in here?" Mele wondered.

"Sorry," Rio apologized shyly. He hadn't been sure what that sensation was until he smelled that unmistakable stench.

"That was you?" Mele grinned, oddly thrilled to be present for her husbands first fart.

Rio was embarrassed, so he refused to say any more on the subject. Right now he needed to find Master Shafu, kill him, and make a new fur mantle out of him. That reminded him that he not thrown his fur in a while, so he threw his fur. The sight of Rio's statuesque body gave the two samurai erections, so they started going at it once again.

Jan came running out of Shafu's office. The samurai lovemaking turned him on and made him hungry for Rio, but he controlled his thoughts for once to focus on the matter at hand.

"Shafu is gone. Starbucks is yours," Jan said in Rio's language so he could understand.

"Where is is?" Rio asked. Could it really have been that easy?

"Gou arrested him for his crimes, he is going to jail for a long time," said a woman who looked like she had gone on a hunger strike with Gandhi. Apparently she didn't get the memo that he was dead and the strike was canceled.

"So what happens to his shop?" Rio asked, assuming this starving woman could answer all the legal questions he had.

"His children can inherit it when they come of age, but for now ownership will pass to Jan since he is the highest ranking employee," Miki said, pulling that out of her ass because she knew nothing about business. She had been forced to start working at age eight, so it wasn't her fault she had never graduated elementary school.

"So I just need to get Jan to sign something that says I am the coffee shop's new owner?" Rio asked.

"Yeah, I'll have the paperwork drawn up immediately," said Miki, who was enjoyed playing the professional businesswoman.

Miki returned moments later with a piece of paper that looked suspiciously like the homework of a middle school student. Rio was about to ask why "Miki's child" was written at the top of the paper, when Miki shoved a pen in his hand and pointed to a line at the bottom where he had to sign. He signed his full name, "Kurojishi Rio," in the specified place, then handed the pen to Jan. Jan scribbled his nonsense signature all over the paper because he really liked signing things, but he never actually signed on the correct dotted line. Miki accepted the signature anyway, folding the paper and putting it in her coat pocket.

"Pleasure doing business with you," Miki said, shaking Rio's hand.

"So Starbucks is now mine?" Rio was glowing with victory. Apparently it was that easy.

"Congratulations Rio-sama!" Mele cried.

"Felicidades!" Jan shouted, which was Spanish for "congratulations."

"Good job, Rio!" said one of the kittens, who was experienced accelerated brain development, so he was already learning how to talk.

"Meow," said the other two kittens, who were not such fast learners.

"Happy Birthday!" Ryuunosuke yelled as he climaxed. He was happy for Rio even if he had no clue what was going on.

Gou would have congratulated Rio as well, but he was busy with Master Shafu. He had never officially arrested anyone before so he wasn't sure of the exact procedures to follow. The guy at the front desk didn't believe his badge was real, so he had to wait in the lobby while they took Master Shafu in for questioning. Gou made sure the incriminating videos made their way to the right people, so he was sure Master Shafu would be put away for a long time.

While Gou waited for news about what would happen to Master Shafu, he decided to take a walk around the prison. As he strolled through the hall humming the _Kitten Party_ theme song, he came across one room that had the door left open. Curious, he peaked inside. He found a thin man sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth in his loneliness. He had cuts and bruises on his face that could only have been the result of torture by a robotic rhinoceros. Gou did not know who this man was, but he pitied him and wished he could do something to help him. However, he was probably guilty of whatever crime he was accused of, so Gou had to accept that there was nothing he could do for the poor stranger.

Retsu had been sitting in that interrogation room ever since Ken had left, and he was counting the milliseconds until Ken's return. He had no idea that Ken had forgotten about him and gone to Hawaii for the week. No one else seemed to notice he was there, so he had been surviving on the random rats that would wander in from time to time.

When Gou returned to the lobby, he asked the guy at the desk if there was any news about Master Shafu.

"We aren't really supposed to reveal that information to civilians, but you look trustworthy," said the desk guy. "The cat scratched someone during his interrogation, so they had to put him down. Sorry, was he your cat?"

"No, he was my boss," said Gou, surprised that he did not feel anything. He could not let Jan find out about Master Shafu's death, but he couldn't wait to tell Rio about it. He knew Rio would get a kick out of the story. Forgetting about the fact that he could drive the cop car, Gou sprinted back to Starbucks to see his best friend. He ran into Miki's child on the way, who was on the street corner buying marijuana from some shady looking preteens.

"Don't do drugs, stay in school, don't give up, I believe in you," Gou told the delinquents, pulling Miki's child away from them.

"How embarrassing," Miki's child whined.

"You're not going to do drugs anymore," Gou informed his new daughter. "I am going to marry your mother, and I hope to give you both a better life. I realize it will take time for you to adjust, but I promise to love you as my own child no matter what."

"Whoa, when did this happen?" Miki's child asked. She couldn't remember this guy at all, but figured that she may have met him while she was high or drunk.

"An hour ago," said Gou. He had not actually asked Miki to marry him yet, he had only implied it by saying she could help raise his kitten babies.

"Where are you taking me? You're not one of those weird guys who likes schoolgirls, are you?" Miki's child questioned.

Gou didn't know what she meant by that. He wanted to say that he did like schoolgirls. He also liked schoolboys, and men and women, and cats and dogs, and everyone and everything. Luckily he realized just in time that Miki's child meant "like" in the way the Gou liked Miki, not in the way he liked everything else.

"We are going to Starbucks," Gou answered. "Get on my back, we'll go faster that way."

So Gou gave Miki's child the most exciting piggy back ride of her life, running several miles to Starbucks in under thirty seconds. There, Gou found everyone celebrating Starbuck's change of ownership and Rio's amazing new latte.

"It's time to change the employee of the month photo!" Mele cheered. "Rio, what picture do you want to put on the wall? Mele has many to choose from."

Rio knew that Mele had many pictures of him on her phone, but most of them were naked photos. Besides, Rio no longer wanted to see himself as employee of the month.

"I will put Jan's picture on the wall, he is the true employee of the month," said Rio, putting his hand on his wild man's shoulder.

Jan knew how much Rio had wanted to be employee of the month during his time at Starbucks, so he was deeply moved that Rio would give the honor to him instead. Jan kissed him right there, for everyone to see. Mele shed a tear, not out of anger or jealousy, but joy. She was happy to see the two men she cared about share their affection openly. There was no room for shame or envy in the new life they would make together.

Miki's child liked watching guys kiss (she read a lot of slash fanfiction), so she had a wide grin on her face as she watched Jan and Rio. When her mother heard her characteristic giggle, she flew to her baby girl with the speed of a thousand Gou-flavored bison.

"Hey mom, I'm glad you're still alive," Miki's child told her mother. Miki hugged the girl to her breast, relieved to see that her daughter had not come to any harm during her time in the closet.

"Thank you for bringing my girl back to me," Miki said to Gou. "_Our_ girl."

"Miki, will you marry me?" Gou proposed. Romeo and Juliet had nothing on them when it came to rushing to the alter. Hopefully their romance would not be so short-lived.

"Of course!" Miki gave Gou another kiss. Miki's child made a face, not dissimilar from Rio's O-face, to show her disgust.

Suddenly Gou remembered that he had to tell Rio something. He gave his beloved another kiss before pulling the man of the hour aside for a quick chat.

"Who are you?" Rio asked.

"I'm Gou, your best friend. Why don't I just have a sticker that says 'Hi my name is Gou' on it?" Gou wondered.

"Are you a customer? Would you like to try my new latte?" Rio offered.

"Thank you, but I have something important to tell you," Gou began. "Master Shafu is dead. He scratched someone, so he was put down. We can't tell Jan about it, but I thought you would want to know.

Rio laughed hysterically. His worst enemy hadn't just been defeated and killed, he was put down like the perverted animal he was. The sight of Rio's laughter warmed Gou's heart.

"I don't know who you are, but I like you," said Rio, patting Gou on the back.

"Are you going to punch me now?" Gou asked, preparing himself for the blow.

"Why would I punch you?" Rio raised his eyebrow.

"That's what men do to express their friendship," said Gou.

Rio didn't know what this guy was talking about, but he didn't want to disappoint him, so he punched him in the stomach.

"You will be my assistant manager," Rio informed Gou.

"I am so honored!" Gou said as he gasped for breath.

Rio wanted to return to Jan and Mele, but he noticed something was clawing at his leg to get his attention.

"Could I have a job here? I think I could manage your finances for you," said the super intelligent kitty.

"Meow," said the other two kittens. They were not special.

Rio assumed that these were Master Shafu's children, which meant they may one day try to steal Starbucks from him. It would be a shame if he had to kill kittens in order to stay in power, especially when they had the same face as his beloved Jan.

"Have you met my children? The talking one is named Jan, the other two are Ken and Retsu," Gou had named them after his best friend Jan and his detective partner Ken. He didn't know anyone named Retsu, but he really liked the name.

"These do not belong to Master Shafu?" Rio inquired.

"No, I am their father now," said Gou.

"Good," said Rio. If they were not Shafu's legal children, they would not be a problem for him. Rio was curious about how Master Shafu could have had children when the only person he had been sleeping with before last week was Dan, but this could not possibly affect him now, so he put it out of his mind.

Rio circled his arms around Jan and nibbled at his neck.

"How does it feel to be employee of the month?" Rio asked.

"Waki-waki!" Jan responded.

Mele snapped a surprised picture of them with her iPhone and giggled.

"Can we use this picture for the wall?" Mele showed them the awkward photo. She had

captured that moment when they realized they were about to have their picture taken, so they looked at the camera but did not have time to smile or form a facial expression of any kind.

"No," said Rio.

"Yes!" cried Jan.

"It is Jan's special picture, so he gets to decide," said Mele playfully.

Rio could have put his foot down and demanded that she delete that picture, as its very existence threatened his Pride, but he chose to let it go. If Jan and Mele could bond over teasing him like this, he would tell his Pride to go fuck itself.

Rio released Jan from his grip and went to his wife. Without warning, he took her in his arms and held her.

"Now you have what you always wanted," Mele smiled, putting her head against his chest. She always knew her husband would achieve his dreams, and she was grateful to be by his side in his moment of triumph.

"I could not have done it without you," said Rio.

"Mele would do anything for Rio-sama," Mele held her husband tighter.

"Is this what you want, Mele?" Rio asked his wife. "This coffee shop...Jan...and me?"

"Of course I want you," Mele gasped, looking into her lover's eyes. "You are my joy and my life. If you love Jan, then I love him too. If coffee is your dream, I will fight for it as hard as you do."

"Coffee is my job, not my dream," Rio realized. "You are my dream."

Finally having found each other again, the lovers shared a passionate kiss, as if they were just declared husband and wife. Jan watched this with tears of joy streaming down his face.

Gou tripped on a banana peel and died, but miraculously came back to life before anyone even realized what happened.


	20. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

Rio was able to make Starbucks a great coffee shop, though few of his customers truly respected the greatness of his latte. Most patrons ordered things like mocha frappuccinos or caramel macchiatos. Rio did not let this bother him, he knew that Mele and Jan appreciated his latte and that was all that really mattered.

Takeru and Ryuunosuke continued to live in Starbucks, making love for all the customers to see. Rio believed this actually helped bring in business, so he provided the samurai with food and coffee whenever they needed it. Maku once had the nerve to visit Rio's Starbucks, but Ryuunosuke somehow mistook him for a cactus monster and killed him, since he had a severe phobia of cacti.

Retsu was still rotting in prison, but he had learned to entertain himself by playing "I spy" with himself in his empty cell. When Ken returned from Hawaii he arrested an infamous sexual predator, so he was promoted and given a $2,000 gift card to Dunkin' Donuts. It just so happened that the sexual predator was an elephant, so he was condemned to spend the rest of his life in a zoo.

Gou married Miki and adopted Miki's child. The song at their wedding was "Unforgettable" by Nat "King" Cole. His intelligent kitten son became the youngest astrophysicist in history at just 12 days old. The other two kittens developed normally, but Gou and Miki loved the three of them equally. Miki's child stopped smoking and drinking, and her grades improved since her baby brother offered to tutor her. Gou also won the lottery and used the money to save the orphanage where he volunteered. He also discovered the cure for cancer.

Several months after his first sexual encounter with Rio, Jan began to realize that something was changing in his body. His appetite had increased, so it made sense that he had gained weight, but that did not explain how something could be moving around inside of him. If he had been biologically female he would have noticed that his periods had stopped, but Jan hadn't even known what a period was until Mele had explained it to him.

Rio became increasingly worried about Jan, so he insisted that he see a doctor. When the doctor told Rio that Jan was pregnant, he didn't know what to think or feel. First he was confused, then terrified...then joyful. He had always known that Mele could not conceive, so he had never given any thought to the idea of having children. Now that Jan was going to have a baby, he realized he liked the idea of creating a new person with the man he loved, especially when this new person would be able to pass on his awesome genes. Jan and Mele could not have been more excited, as they had decided they would both act as the child's mother. They predicted any spawn of Rio would be demanding and difficult to control, not to mention the potential of the kid having magic fire powers, so it was good that they could share the duties of childrearing while Rio worked at Starbucks to bring home the bacon.

Yes, the bacon. Rio was getting a lot of it these days. That was true regardless of whether the word was interpreted as meaning "money earned for the family" or "cured meat from the back or sides of a pig." He was making a lot of money and eating a lot of bacon. Usually Jan prepared the bacon for Rio, because his bacon was the best in the world, but there was one day when Mele wanted to make bacon for her husband. The first time she gave him bacon it had been stolen, so she wanted to make it for him for real this time.

She placed the bacon before Rio, just as she had on that fateful day that he tried bacon for the first time and his life had changed forever. Except this bacon did not smell or look quite as appetizing and Jan's bacon. Mele waited anxiously for her husband to taste it, so he took a bite.

It was horrible. Almost as bad at the Kenma latte. He wanted to spit it out and tell Mele to never cook for him again, but he knew that would hurt her. Rio hated failure, and this bacon was the ultimate failure in the world bacon...but he loved Mele more than he hated failure. Rio finally understood how much this woman had done for him. Knowing how his wife desperatly sought to please him, Rio realized what he had to do.

"It's delicious, Mele," Rio lied, feigning a smile and forcing himself to take another bite.

"I'm so pleased Rio-sama enjoys Mele's bacon!" Mele squealed. "Jan, would you like some bacon?"

"No thanks...the grease might be bad for the baby," Jan said, now fluent in the language Rio and Mele spoke, as well as Dutch, Swedish, Russian, and Swahili. He was a surprisingly fast learner, just like the kitten Gou had named after him.

Since Jan refused the bacon and Mele was on a diet, Rio had to eat the rest of the bacon himself. He managed to eat every last strip, for the sake of his wife's delicate feelings. His stomach may not have felt good, but in his heart he felt stronger. Perhaps his pain from consuming that bacon was worse that whatever Mele would have felt knowing her bacon sucked, but that did not matter to Rio. He would have endured excruciating pain just to save his wife from something as small as a papercut.

Rio thanked Mele for the meal, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Thankfully Mele did not hear the sounds of her husband vomiting, but Jan did. He would never tell Rio, but he was touched by what he had done for Mele. After witnessing Rio torture his taste buds just to spare his wife some grief, Jan reflected on what a wonderful husband Rio was, and what an excellent father he would be for their child.

Ran is not in this story.


End file.
